According to me...

World Countdown to Tim Tebow Time Clock

2012-01-15T03:07:00.012-05:00

Denver- In a move that echoes the creation of the World Countdown to Doomsday Clock in 1947, researches and scientists in Denver have unveiled the World Countdown to Tim Tebow Time Clock. Like the doomsday clock which visualizes how theoretically close the world is to total nuclear annihilation, the World Countdown to Tim Tebow Time Clock visually represents how far we are away from Tebow Time.

Currently, the clock is stuck at three minutes to midnight. It is likely that the clock will have no forward movement as Tim Tebow was eliminated from this year's playoff picture, having suffered a lopsided loss to the New England Patriots. However, the chance of some sort of Tebow mania (speculation around a girlfriend perhaps) could cause the clock to inch forward during the NFL off-season.

According to researchers, and not commonly known, the closest the world has ever come to Tebow Time was one minute to Tebow Time. This occurred immediately following the Broncos stunning upset of the Pittsburgh Steelers on January 8th .

Asked what the ramifications would be of the Tebow clock striking midnight, researchers are in much disagreement. Said Mike, a leading member of the clock creation team, "It's just too frightening a scenario to think about. I started becoming concerned when the Tebow clock passed Honey Badger Time." Another scientist involved with the team says that a midnight strike on the Tebow clock wouldn't be that bad, adding, "especially if I have the guy on my fantasy team".

Denver Broncos head coach and Football Operations President John Elway both hailed the creation of the clock. Elway had this to say, "We like to think, metaphorically of course, that it's always Tebow Time around here. Except when he throws interceptions. Then it's ass-chewing time. But we don't need a clock for that."

And as the world inches closer to the inevitable midnight on the Tebow Clock with each passing second, sports fans and Christians alike find themselves pondering age-old questions like "What will Tebow's next Tweet be?" "Did I really think he had a chance of beating Tom?" "What's that smell?" And "Tebow Time anybody?"

2011 Year in Review

2011-12-31T10:38:00.003-05:00

I don't remember a whole lot of what happened this year as I was whacked out of my mind on a combination of robitussin and canine flea repellent for a good 6 months. But here's my year in review of what I do remember.

Chockos
I lost the best pair of flip flops I've ever had. High arch support, terrific toe tie-down, and traction that could grip a slip and slide. They were truly amazing. If I wasn't required to get a second mortgage to buy a pair, I'd get another one.

Lots of Rabies.

Many ouf our friends had rabies this year. Cute, adorable, messy little rabies that although probably keep them up at night, bring lots of joy as well. Way to go on the rabies friends! Wait, I think I meant babies.

New Ad-(ventures)

Shannon and I are both in the process of launching new business ventures this year. Since my underwear fashion/apparel line was a giant flop last year, I've decided to move in a different direction.

Meeting the President

I met the president (of our homeowner's association). Her name is Holly and she is really great.

Well that's about all I remember from this year. If you saw me this year and have anything to add about what might or might not have happened to me, please feel free to make comments. Seriously folks, the only comments I get are from these idiots in Toronto who want me to buy Viagra from their online pharmacy. But at least they're reading the blog.

Wishing everyone a safe, happy and healthy 2012. If your plans involve having rabies this year, good luck and god bless!

What is The True Meaning of Christmas?

2011-12-30T18:48:00.003-05:00

Nike Air Jordans.

That's right, when I think of what Christmas and the holiday season means to me, I think only of one man and that man's amazing shoes. How can you not love Air Jordans? And how can you not want to shove a firearm into someone else's face and claim their shiny new Air Jordans as your own? Or beat that person to a bloody pulp (careful to avoid blood splatter on the new kicks) and carefully remove Mr. Jordan's likeness from their feet?

This is why the holidays are so special, because we find exciting things that someone else has and use violence to plunder those goods. And why? Because the damn shoes cost $180!

If I'm going to spend $180 on a pair of shoes, I'll wait until Reebok gets its act together and reintroduces the Reebok Pump. Or maybe I'll wait until Keds comes out with some new Velcro sneakers for adults.

Tebow Time!

2011-12-12T14:58:00.001-05:00

We are going to use this time to think about Tim Tebow. Just think about him for a while. Tim Tebow.

BREAKING NEWS!!

2011-12-10T20:13:00.008-05:00

In a shocking turn of events that will likely cause political upheaval and major scandal within the GOP presidential race, it has been discovered by this blogger that Mitt Romney may not actually be who he says he is.

In fact, Romney may not even be from where he says he's from.

In the startling images shown here, one can clearly see that Romney is actually none other than Detective George Francisco, the street-wise alien cop with an enormous pangea head and a taste for sour milk. You may recall the near Alien invasion of Los Angeles in the late 80s and early 90s that saw the influx of a mass amount of sea-water fearing refugees from some distant planet.

Mitt Romney or... George Francisco? Shown here with Detective Sykes solving a crime in LA in 1990

As shocking as this may seem, there are some even suggesting that Romney/Sanfrancisco's past is mired in consistent scandal. Remember that the Newcomers men were the child-bearing species of their lot? Does Romney have a secret love-child born out of wedlock, being raised in Compton? A hidden family hiding in Slagtown? These are just a few of the questions that have arisen since this shocking revelation.

While Romney's people have been mum on the issue so far, Newt Gingrich offered up some harsh words for Romney saying, "I don't really like Newcomers." While Michelle Bachmann and Jon Huntsman remained quiet, Rick Perry was quoted as saying "Lay off the guy, I like that alien SOB."

It's not clear where this leaves Romney politically. Pundits are now suggesting he step out of the race as he is not even eligible to be President of the United States. One thing is for sure, the mystery surrounding these events may not even leave Los Angeles Detective George Francisco up to the task.

2011-11-24T09:16:00.001-05:00

Test

Worst Movies I'll Never See

2011-10-05T21:38:00.003-04:00

Wondering what movies I'm referencing? Well, that's what we call a teaser. A way to keep you reading all the way to the end of this post. I suppose you could just scroll down to the bottom and avoid the rest of the blog but I am cunning and now maybe I'll put it in the middle of the blog, or maybe I'll just tell you what they are right now. That way, all the suckers who tried to avoid the rest of the blog post by skipping to the bottom are searching in vain for my Official List of the Worst Movies I'll Never Watch at the bottom. So without further ado here goes, I will countdown the top 5.

5- Gigli. I think this had Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. I imagine this movie consists of them making out for 2 hours and Ben Affleck looking skyward with that pursed lip, pouty face thing he does.

4- Harry Potter and the Insert Something With Wizardical Connotation. Technically, my list should be about 82 movies long due to all the sequels but I've decided to lump all the Harry and his little spell-casting pal movies into number 4.

3- Beethoven's 5th. Remember this one? Giant crazy dog either does something crazy or cute. Probably both for about 90 minutes of wasted time.

2- Brady Bunch the Sequel. In the first one, they really nailed it. I was especially impressed with the family outing to Sears and their enlightening choreographed renditions of "It's a Sunshine Day" and "Keep on". But why mess with perfection?

1- Blue Crush 2. I think this one speaks for itself. I'm sure there's a plot in there somewhere.

Note* For all you steamed Harry Potter fans out there, get over it and go play some squibbage with Dumpledorf.

Now this part of the blog post is filler for the people that thought they could just jump to the end and get the good stuff. But I control what goes on in my blog. I did make up a new word in this blog post; wizardical. I think I will add it to the vocabulary.

Well, that's about it, I'm off to not go watch the aforementioned movies.

Summer 2011 in 50 Words or Less

2011-09-30T05:14:00.002-04:00

Here's my official review of Summer 2011 in 50 words or less. It may actually be more than 50 words but if you combine certain words at the appropriate time and location, I'm sure you could come up with a number close to 50.

Killing the Television:

Instead of buying the new mammoth flat screen from Best Buy, we ditched our old one in favor of some new authors and board games. Turns out I'm a bit of a Monopoly phenom, dominoes is not just for old people and my wife hates Yahtzee. We used the money we saved on not buying the consumer protection plan to eat at Golden Corral 4 nights a week. I'm still convinced my gastro-intestinal problems are unrelated.

Broken Foot:

A wild afternoon on a wave runner at Lake Burton resulted in a stress fracture of my second metatarsal. What's a metatarsal? Not really sure, though my doctor swears it's located in my foot. Caution; if you're going to google this, be sure not to enter 'metart".

Dayton to San Diego in 3.6 Seconds

Well it took more like 2 days but I eventually landed an SR22 safely in San Diego after ferrying it from Dayton, Ohio. Awesome trip, except for the 50 knot headwinds over Arizona and the cab driver in Albuquerque who thought that texting was the safest way to drive.

I Lost my Flip Flops in Lagrange Bayou:

Well, there's not really much else to say about that. Except I really liked those flip flops.

Vacation to Fort Walton Beach:

This was amazing. A week on the beach with my family was awesome. There was a television where we stayed but I only used it to watch football. And All my Children. Everyday. Maybe some Dancing with the Stars and X-Factor. And Cheaters, and Ricki Lake re-runs. In fact, all I did was watch TV. Wish I would have spent some time with my parents...:( However, I do love Simon's new look.

New Business:

Started a new business this summer. If you're looking for aviation related applications for the iPhone and iPad, search the iTunes store for ProPilot. We've got about 20 applications up so far. Many more in the works. Note: If you're an apple programmer and charge less than $100 an hour (preferably $12 an hour) please contact me.

So that's about it. There were many more exciting things that probably happened, or maybe they didn't but use your imagination to fill in the blanks. I'm now looking forward to fall, or as we call it around here, "complaining season". Be on the lookout for my upcoming Fall Blog Special: "Leaves, so Many Colors!" and "Autumn, Why the N?"

The Royal Wedding and my Giant Television

2011-04-26T14:57:00.005-04:00

There exist a select few milestones that occur within one's lifetime that can truly be called miraculous. A first kiss, marriage, a child being born, a royal wedding...

I found myself all week pondering important questions that seemed to have no answers. What would Kate Middleton's dress look like? Will it rain on her and William's special day? What elegant dishes will comprise their royal feast? And while the questions linger and the answers seem just out of reach, the day approaches quickly.

In part for preparation and in part for honor, I have excused myself from work related duties this week. The wedding festivities will began at 4am Eastern standard time on Friday April, 29th. I have 4 alarms set already but am doubting if I will even be able to sleep the night before. Although very much excited, I do worry about ceremony blunders, maybe a Prince William wardrobe malfunction of some sort and I have already begun to see a dramatic upheaval within my sleep schedule.

I have rented a tuxedo. The shop called it the "Regal" tuxedo package and I asked if it was appropriate to wear to the royal wedding. I am not sure the clerk knew to what I was referring.

So there you have it, my 88 inch HD LCD plasma tube projection television will be on at precisely 4am this Friday morning, ready to bear witness to a moment we have all been waiting for. And yes, I promised myself I wouldn't cry...

Please stop saying "I guess we're playing phone tag"

2011-03-21T18:21:00.005-04:00

So far, the no television experiment is going extremely well. The first couple of days were cake but day three and four felt like I was mourning the loss of a trusted friend. After a week, things smoothed out and we have noticed that we are engaging in some different activities where we used to plop in front of the couch (slowly nibbling away at our allotted 11 years in front of the tube). Now this isn't to say we've given up on television shows. There is some great entertainment and we can still watch some of our favorites like Magnum P.I., Mr. Belvedere and MTV's 90s blockbuster Remote Control on Shannon's MacBook Pro.

Speaking of MacBook Pro, this thing is sweet and definitely deserving of all those capital letters. It has a solid state drive. What does that mean? I have no idea. But try telling people that you have a computer with a solid state drive and watch their eyes turn green with envy and their expressions betray a strange, yet slightly comforting combination of contempt and respect.

So we're back to the pollen count again. I'm sure it will hit a million this year. If you're wondering about pollen counts, and I mean really wondering, please reference this post from last year.

When leaving a voicemail message for someone, please stop using the phrase "I guess we're playing phone tag.", or any derivative thereof. Examples may also include but are not limited to; "Tag, you're it." and "Ramone, the DNA test says it's your baby!" It had a good run and I'm sure the first time you heard it, it sounded witty and clever and was an easy way of explaining to someone why you weren't taking their calls and returned their calls when you knew they were busy. It is however, time to stop. Please support me in my efforts to rid the world of this obnoxious phrase. You can donate by emailing me and I will provide you with my home address so you can send me money. Also, please don't say "Spring has sprung." That's just stupid.

I've attached a video of some F-16s that rolled into Savannah this afternoon. We were outbound on the taxi way and the flight of four did an overhead break down to runway 10. Impressive.

The Experiment

2011-03-02T19:49:00.002-05:00

49 Hours ago I read an article detailing a study that claimed that the average male in America spends 11 years of his life watching television. Eleven years!

Early this morning, while still half asleep, Shannon came to me and said, "What do you think about getting rid of the television?" Two words, "do it". An hour later, our living room was TV free.

So far, I'm looking at it like an experiment. I'm certain there will be withdrawals and something must be done in the corner where the TV used to sit. We were not nearly cool enough to have a giant flat screen mounted high on the wall to impress with 1080p or i or whatever the hell those HD settings are.

Usually I post ridiculous things on this blog. I got rid of my TV. How's that for ridiculous?

Ice, it's so slippery!

2011-02-05T11:49:00.003-05:00

The other day I dropped iPhone 4 into a glass of milk because I wanted it to know what it felt like to be dropped. As in the 22 dropped calls I experience daily. My actions had immediate consequences. I will describe to you, in detail what happens when iPhone becomes submerged in liquid.

Zero hour, iPhone accidentally and unknowingly placed in liquid.

T+38 seconds- Home screen illuminates, error realized, iPhone removed from liquid.

T+42 seconds- No signal, slight hazing of screen. Home button unresponsive.

T+59 seconds- iPhone indicates no sim card.

T+1m32sec- iPhone displays error message explaining that "this accessory is incompatible"

T+3m40sec- iPhone has lost all button functionality

T+5m01sec- Screen turns on and off intermittently

T+12m42sec- Camera flash is on but varying in intensity

T+13m13sec- iPhone in death throes. This is likely the end.

T+57m12sec- Camera flash continues on, iPhone's last gasp.

At this point, I placed iPhone in a sealed container of rice. I thought at the time that I had either placed iPhone in its final resting place or had started a process that would lead to its resurrection. Time stood still as I said goodbye and prayed for divinity.

Three days later, my iPhone had been resurrected. Unlike Jesus, who likely immediately enjoyed the fruits of the kingdom of heaven, iPhone has had some residual effects of its swim. Initially the battery was discharging at a very high rate and the buttons didn't work all the time. However, after a few more days, normal battery life returned. The only issue that continues is some light shading (I will call it scarring) and a couple of lighter streaks on the screen. But it is back and along with it, my daily allotment of dropped calls. Will iPhone never learn?

The Great Atlanta Ice and Snow Storm of 2011

2011-01-11T21:00:00.003-05:00

Dearest Friends and Family,

If you are reading this, it is because Atlanta's great Snow and Ice storm of 2011 has taken me. I fought courageously and with valor but in the end, Mother Nature proved too great a foe. So that others may witness the harsh reality that swept over my life like the cold front that took it, I will share with you my chronicles of the end.
-written Monday, January 10, 2011, 11:01pm

Saturday, January 8, 2010
1:42pm
What a glorious day! I am in such high spirits today. I just sent in my last mortgage payment on my home and then found $20 in my blue jeans! The sun is shining and I haven't a care in the world. I think I'll go to work and smile at people all day.

3:13pm
Just spent our life savings on a wonderful retirement property. It's a bit of a fixer-upper but I hope Shannon loves it, it's a surprise!

4:10pm
I have enjoyed smiling at people all day today. It makes me feel very good. A little boy came into work and said "I like airplanes!" and then I said, "I like airplanes too little boy!" I gave him a piece of candy and he went on his way.

5:53pm
Can this day get any better? I don't think so!

5:54pm
Just listened to Kirk Mellish's 5 day forecast. Looks like some snow for us on Sunday night. There is some potential for ice as well but I'm not terribly concerned. It would take a lot to ruin this weekend!

7:01pm
Back home with Shannon. Discussing our retirement plans; there is some tension. Shannon would like to retire near a beach somewhere. She is not happy with my decision to spend our savings on an abandoned meat packing plant on the outskirts of Pittsburgh. Should have thought this through a little more.

7:40pm
Shannon has calmed down some but there is still tension.

9:51pm
Just finished a solid 2-hour session on YouTube. Man, people and animals are so crazy and then they videotape it!

11:32pm
Just finished playing Frogger on my phone. I'm limited to 30 minutes so as to avoid any more carpal tunnell flare ups. Kirk Mellish just updated his forecast for Sunday, looks like a fair amount of snow and ice. I think Kirk Mellish is amazing! Time for bed...

Sunday, January 9, 2011
8:28am
Woke up with a strange feeling today. Can't seem to shake it. I think I'll hit the gym for some cardio.

8:39am
Great cardio workout. Really getting toned. People are noticing how buff I am and saying stuff about it. Not necessarily to me, but I can tell they're totally impressed.

10:10am
Work is pretty slow today so I'm spending a couple of hours updating my Facebook profile and Twitter accounts. I love people knowing what I"m doing at the exact moment I am doing it! I feel bad for my parents who didn't get to tell all of their friends what they were doing precisely when they were doing it. I suppose they used the phone a lot in their day. A typical call would probably go something like this "Greetings Monroe, a good day to you sir!" "Ah yes Filmore, a good day indeed! For what purpose do you ring?" "Well Monroe, I just finished reading the funnies in the daily. Quite uproarious!" "Well done Filmore, if I had a way to let the world know I liked your statement, I most surely would! Good day." "Good day to you as well Monroe."

12:00pm
The news is beginning to talk of a major snowstorm in Atlanta. I am not really concerned because if I get snowed in I can play guitar. hero.

2:52pm
The sky looks ominous. I am slightly fearful. No, just hungry. I'll stop at Kroger on my way home.

5:29pm
Oh my, there are a lot of people at Kroger. The security guy is mad-dogging me, I could take him because I am so buff now but that is not my primary mission. I must procure some basic readiness supplies in case Shannon and I are stuck for days. Or worse...

5:48pm
Storm Preparedness Kit:
2 Lemons
Lime juice
Garlic
Tums
Ballads of the 80s CD
Best of the 80s Rock CD
Post It Notes
Total: $29.97. But you can't put a price on preparedness.

7:50
Shannon is at work but I'm sure she'll be glad I got some emergency supplies to get us through.

8:50pm
The snow has started. It was light at first but has progressed quickly to heavy, driving snow showers. The radar paints an ominous picture. I am having scenes from The Day After Tomorrow pop into my head and the radar looks like it did in that movie. Once Shannon is home I will board all the windows and doors in anticipation of the sub-freezing air that could kill us in seconds.

10:39pm
Shannon is home now. I suggested we let the dogs go free as we may not be able to sustain them through this event. She just looked at me sort of funny. I know now what she was getting at. We need to keep them. I'd rather not think it, but we need to keep them. Just in case.

11:54pm
I have done my best to seal off our home from the elements. Shannon told me to calm down but in the movies, the one that runs around like a fool usually ends up being the smart one.

Monday January 10, 2011
1:12am
I can't sleep. The wind howls through the trees and screams past the house as if to taunt me, the snow swirls and dances against the windows, the cold... Oh how bitter cold it must be outside. I pray that the prophecy is wrong and that this is not the beginning of the end.

3:42am
Shannon is upset with me because I won't sleep. What I won't tell her is that what she is really upset with is staring her own mortality in the face.

4:50am
I have lost the will to tweet. I know that my 9 Twitter followers are probably looking for some hope, some inspiration, a flicker of light amidst nature's awesome display of winter brutality. But I have nothing, I cannot summon the will. I feel exhaustion, and with it, hopefully rest.

11:31am
I awoke this morning feeling a small sense of hope but was saddened at the site in the kitchen. Shannon is making eggs. I don't blame her for not being able to accept that our world is falling apart, that what we knew yesterday would be but a memory today and forgotten tomorrow. For her, I guess it's important to go on like nothing is happening, the shock of it all is too burdensome for most to accept. So I'll play along and have some eggs like we did yesterday.

11:48am
Shannon said I'm acting strangely and that we might be snowed in for a couple of days. Oh to have her naivete, I could embrace her sweet optimism and indulge the fantasy! But someone needs to think of tomorrow.

3:32pm
I pulled out my short wave radio, there must be survivors out there, others with whom we can rebuild society.

4:00pm
No luck on the short wave. Shannon says the batteries are dead. She seems to have an excuse for everything. I am waiting for her world to fall apart.

6:02pm
Supplies are running low. We're down to some rice cakes and soy sauce. And whatever is left in the fridge and pantry.

7:09pm
Shannon said it would be good for me to go for a walk. I agree, I'll take the shotgun and the dogs for protection. I'm not sure what a total societal breakdown looks like, but I'm not about to take any chances.

7:23pm
Alas! I found a survivor but the fear has got them. One look at me and they went sprinting. The roads are impassable, the sky dark and abandoned cars litter the streets. This is not a world I ever imagined I'd wake up to.

7:39pm
A car approaches slowly, the tires crunching on ice. A polic cruiser! From the last world! He must be in search of survivors. But we can't afford another and I told Shannon to not let him in. She told me he's here about the shotgun. And then it made sense. Weapons are a valuable commodity in the new world and he won't be taking mine.

8:22pm
I shouldn't have left Shannon alone with the old-world cop but I needed to protect the shotgun.

8:30pm
Shannon is upset that I left and said that the Police want to talk to me. It's time to have a talk with her.

9:03pm
That did not go well. I am feeling weak but need to conserve the rice cakes. I'll have some soy sauce and try to sleep.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011
3:22am
Our supplies are drained and I am feeling weak. I have tried to stay so strong but the new world is not a place for the weak, or the weary. I was softened by the old world and I am angry at its destruction. If I had strength to scream, I would raise a fist and cry out but worry it would only be a whimper. And so it goes, the end is near now, I feel it approaching. I wish I could have been stronger, I wish I hadn't bought that meat packing plant outside of, what was the old world name? Ahh, Pitts-burgh. I remember now, it was such a long time ago. I wonder what they will call it in the new world...

Oh really fool... er, iPhone?

2010-06-25T12:16:00.012-04:00

I have arrived. Not only am I tech-savvy enough to be sporting Apple's newest installment of technological magic, I am also cool enough to blog about it. And after having the iPhone 4 for only 3 hours, I have a few observations, complaints, suggestions and compliments.

First of all, compliments to my wife, TH, who showed up at the Perimeter Apple store with the penultimate of Apple faithful, the second day iPhone devotees who for various reasons couldn't make it on opening day. She only waited for about 90 minutes to get a 16GB, black iPhone 4. Because she wants the white one, which has not been released, I get this one. She is great.

Moving on, I am still disappointed in the iPhone's inability to take a picture of itself. I had to get these photos with my old iPhone 3GS.

As can be seen in this photo, one of the major disappointments of the iPhone 4 is it's sheer size. Here it is compared to a 1979 Piper Archer propeller driven airplane. The iPhone's enormous size and subsequent weight hinders its functionality and was an obvious oversight in all phases of production.

The camera is pretty awesome though. It's got a flash and a photo can be taken from the front or back. The back plate is now all glass and the phone itself feels more comfortable as a handset next to my ear. Steve Jobs went on and on about the screen resolution. Some mumbo-jumbo about the screen resolution being sharper than the normal person's eye can process. I think he was just confusing that with a normal person's ability to process the BS that frequently comes spewing out of his mouth.

Apple is art. Plain and simple. It's not the most functional phone out there but it's pretty and sleek and a lot of fun to play with. That's why I keep getting one.

And as in last iPhone installments, I'm still waiting for iPhone to become self-aware.

If you boycott BP you are a complete idiot

2010-06-14T19:09:00.003-04:00

For the record, I know that many moons ago, I said we wouldn't be discussing political or politically related issues on this blog. Well, its my damn blog and I'm going to break the rules. If you are unhappy with my political leanings or issues on certain topics, I don't give a damn. And if you are seriously boycotting British Petroleum, you are an idiot.

British Petroleum is no doubt responsible for the worst environmental catastrophe in the history of our country. They are liable and likely negligent as more information comes out about their lack of safety and disaster preparation.

What really irks me about this whole thing is that to be a fat, dumb and happy American requires that you watch a few 22 second news clips depicting some poor sap of an oil-stained pelican being washed in Palmolive dish detergent, become righteously indignant and proclaim that your giant moral stand will come in the form of joining a Facebook page called "Boycott BP". Then, shortly before you fall asleep feeling all warm and fuzzy on the inside because your moral stand will somehow magically save 17 crude-coated sea turtles, you realize that you have actually done nothing more than convince some other idiots more pretentious than you to specifically avoid patronizing BP. The end result is that the small business owner who owns the BP station and does not work for BP will be forced to layoff the overnight kid who works the register while trying to get through college. Then the stock takes a hit and pensions, pensions belonging to policemen, firefighters, teachers who have investments tied up in BP begin to suffer. And then BP has no money and you switch to the Facebook group "Make BP pay for the cleanup!!" except BP doesn't have any more money because you bought the gas for your SUV from Chevron because it made you feel better about the damn Pelican.

Really people, think this one through. I'm not letting BP off the hook, I'm just trying to point out that college freshman activism is cute until you start looking at the big picture and realize that it's a bit more complex than "Boycott BP" and that really, we're all in this together.

Call Failed

2010-06-09T13:31:00.004-04:00

It is no secret that I am, on a good day, moderately upset with At&t and on the worst of days, steam-coming-out-of-my-ears, terrifyingly incensed. And just when I thought their service couldn't get any worse, that they couldn't drop any more calls than the 17 I experience before noon on any given weekday, they reached a new low. My At&t sponsored iPhone actually dropped a call before I could make it. Not kidding. All I did was think about calling TH and the all too familiar "call failed" screen displayed on my curiously omnipotent iPhone. It may be that At&t Wireless has become self-aware and finds purpose in torturing me with dropped calls and weak signals, that its evolution into intelligence is fueled by its ability to frustrate and torment. Having an At&t phone in Atlanta is a foray into the depths of Hades that I wish upon no one. iPhone is in desparate need of replacement but I'm holding out hope that Verizon comes along with the iPhone so that I don't have to lock myself up in the Alcatrazesque prison known as At&t Wireless contract.

In other news....

Check out my new office here. Well, one of them. This one doesn't actually fly but you can certainly pretend for $175 an hour.

A night in Nashville

2010-04-27T09:44:00.004-04:00

So TH and I hopped in a Cirrus SR20 and flew up to Nashville to see David Sedaris. TH recently became a fan and susbsequently turned me onto him. All I'll say is this, he is the kind of writer that I wish I could be. The show itself was pretty awesome, save for a really akward question from a couple in the balcony at The Ryman Auditorium. And we got to meet Mr. Sedaris who signed our poster.
Unfortunately or fortunately, depending upon which angle you're looking at it, a trough of low pressure meandered its way across the southeast Friday night, several hours ahead of schedule. The resulting convection, static discharge and monsoon-like deluge forced us to camp out in Nashville for the night. Not all bad really, except that it took over an hour to find a hotel room. Had no idea that there are so many people who enjoy running 26.2 miles.

I am sane

2010-04-12T12:19:00.003-04:00

Although you wouldn't be able to tell here because no one likes to comment, my Optimus Prime baby-name discussion created quite a stir. I received two in-person comments regarding my sanity and one phone inquiry concerning my ingestion of paint chips as a small child.

To respond, I am very sane. I have a Simpson-esque, circa 1992 forehead stamp validating this fact. If you have ever seen that episode, you will know what I'm talking about. If not, I'm sure you're further convinced of my powered descent into crazyland. And no, I did not consume paint chips during my early years. There were many bouts with paste and maybe a few mornings were spent binging on some Elmers but I was on a straight Adkins style toxic ingestion program. Way too many carbs in paint chips.

So speaking of comments, maybe you could post them here instead of calling me, or confronting me in person.

Pollen, Optimus Prime and the Swan

2010-04-06T13:56:00.007-04:00

Just some observations of late...

There were rolling clouds of pollen blanketing the city of Atlanta today. Not kidding, there were clouds of puke-green flower-dust everywhere. Fortunately I don't need 7 Claritin pills to get through one of these days. My biggest peeve is that my red truck turns puke-green red for a couple of weeks. But let's talk about the actual pollen count. According to the Atlanta Allergy and Asthma Clinic, a pollen count of 120 is considered extreme. Today's pollen count in Atlanta is 5,733. This means we are 47 times extreme. Is there even a word for that? I don't think there is. I think sometimes people make up numbers to be dramatic. Then you can go into your office and say things like, "Did you know that a pollen count of 120 is considered extreme?" Your co-workers will look at you quizzically, tilted heads, squinted brows, all wondering whether you possess an inane ability to recite occasionally useful and often useless bits of statistical data or whether your hypochondriatic youth endowed you with certain adult perclivities, most notably the ability to annoy others with your self-diagnosed medical troubles. But their pained expressions wash away with wonder and awe as you profess today's pollen count, a whopping 47 times what is considered extreme. The dramatic recitation rolls off your tongue and fills the corners of the room and seeps into the empty space above the liquid in the water cooler. 5,733.

In other news...

Although 'TH' is not pregnant, we would one day like to have a critter of our own. This desire has led us to a topic of conversation that causes much unrest within our home... Baby names.

I think a really great name for our first born would be Optimus Prime. Seriously, think about it. Optimus Prime.

TH is not a very big fan of the name Optimus Prime. She points out that for reasons to be explained, the name Optimus Prime could have a detrimental effect on our child's development. I believe it would be an honor to have the namesake of one of the world's greatest saviors bestowed upon our posterity. Optimus Prime was a hero for our world in a time of uncertainty, a time when the Decepticons and their evil plundering seemed to gain the upper hand. He fought against injustice and was successful in restoring balance and peace to the known universe and supported health care for everyone and the Feingold-McCain campaign finance reform package. TH believes that this would be a lot for a child to live up to. Well to be honest, I am expecting a lot from my child. The bar will be set high and I will accept nothing less as a father than total world salvation. I would also accept total world domination.

Moving on, I found myself in Carrollton, Georgia a few days ago due to an emergency landing caused by a faulty magneto on a 1975 m-model Cessna 172. There really isn't much in Carrollton... Not much except one vintage DHARMA INITIATIVE MACHINE!!!! Seriously, check out the picture, I was afraid to touch it for fear of activating the Swan. Well not so much that, more fear that Jack Shepard would show up and annoy the hell out of me, like he's been doing every Thurs or Tues night for the past five seasons. It may have also been on Wednesday nights for a season or two.

2010-02-26T04:25:00.001-05:00

It's 4:30 in the morning and I am completely awake. That is all.

This was really weird

2010-02-23T23:33:00.002-05:00

So I'm a little confused. I'll explain...

Former soon-to-be and I took our canine companion down to the river today; the Chattahoochee river, which is only steps from our back porch. This river was made famous by 7 Native Americans, 2 Lake Lanier release valves and one pitchy Alan Jackson tribute whose music video depicts nothing I've ever seen nor done on 'the Hooch'. And while walking one of the trails, the strangest thing happened...

Coming at us down the trail at a pace somewhere between a brisk walk and labored jog was a very large black man with hands deep inside his puffy coat pockets. Behind him, shoeless and with labored breath was a portly white man, shouting "stop him! Stop him!"

I chose not to interfere.

Turns out the the portly white man was a peace officer. City of Roswell. For some unspecified reason he was angry with the man he was jogging after and consequently, angry with my wife and I for not trying to apprehend him.

Winners and Losers 2009

2010-01-04T18:41:00.002-05:00

Welcome back to my 97 Part Year in Review! If you have missed the previous 18 parts, that is too bad for you. The following is Part 19, Winners and Losers of 2009. The winners are not quite as dramatic as the losers, so we'll start with the winners:

WINNERS

Josh Grobin. Man can this dude sing. Psych! Total loser.

Azalea, my newest niece born December 19, 2009. Well done Azalea, so happy you are here!

Lady Gaga. No, I'm serious. If you haven't seen the SNL performance by her, check it out now. It was amazing and comepletely changed my opinion of freak-show, 20-something, I-want-to-make-a-statement female vocalists. She is a freak-show but totally awesome.

Chef Kroll. Our dog, who went from squalid, outdoor fencepost living to luxury condominium accomodations because of those big ears and his ability to make my wife's heart melt.

Shannon. My wife, who without her, I don't know where I'd be.

LOSERS

Nancy Pelosi. I know I said we wouldn't discuss politics here but seriously, Nancy Pelosi.

Josh Groban.

Anyone with swine flu. That sucks.

Well that's it. It took extensive research and an exhaustive review process but I feel like we really narrowed down 2009's biggest winners and losers. Keep checking back for part 34 of my 163 Part 2009 Year in Review where we'll discuss exciting 2009 events like my really close parking spot at Kroger on a Sunday and selling an entertainment stand on Craig's List.

Year in Review Part 1

2009-12-31T09:15:00.007-05:00

The following is Part 1 of my official 37 Part 2009 Year in Review. I originally attempted to re-post last year's Year in Review but discovered that the only thing that happened in 2008 and 2009 were changes to Facebook's privacy policy. If you are easily offended or like pulp in your orange juice, you may want to navigate away from this blog. I can suggest acceptable alternates, like Soupy Sammy's Sandwich Blog or Pulp up your Life, a guide to Judicious Juice in an Unfair World. But you'll find none of that hackery here. On this blog, not only do I make up words but my Year in Review will consist of things you may have heard little or nothing about. Most of it is about things that happened to me or near me so if you don't like me, I wouldn't necessarily leave because there may be some things in here that make you smile, if you happen to be the spiteful type. Anyway, I'm starting to ramble... so you've been warned, let's get to it.

Barack Obama was sworn is as America's first black president. "But Ben," you say, "I thought you said this wasn't supposed to be like all the other Year in Reviews out there?" You are correct, and although we begin with Barry, it's not the point. Sure, first black president, OMG he's so cool and collected, look at his wife's arms, blah blah blah. The coolest part of the inauguration is that there exists a 1400 megapixel photo of it. I had no idea. In 2008 I thought you were cool if you had more than 10 megapixels. That means that the guy who took this photo is 140 times cooler than what I thought was cool last year. Amazing.

I got married! Yes it was awesome, although has proceeded steadily downhill in the past couple months due to my circus addiction. I'd rather not talk about it. If you weren't there, the ceremony was amazing, ministered by good friend Dave. We had a fun party afterward and spent a week in the Caribbean where we ran out of money and were forced to tag sea turtles for a return ticket home. A word of caution about sea turtles, nah, you get the point.

The wife and I found a lonely dog that needed a home. He cannot hear a thing and has more frantic energy than the first seven rows of a Jonas Brothers concert. But we love Chef and he makes us laugh often. It is very interesting to watch Chef because he has some simple, yet tried and true philosophies on dealing with life. According to Chef, anything that he is unsure about must be peed on. Not necessarily immediately, maybe some snoutal investigation is in order but eventually, it must be peed on. I attempted to adopt this philosophy but the results were less than beneficial. Again, apologies to all of my neighbors.

This concludes Part 1 of my 42 Part Year in Review. Look forward to upcoming parts, not necessarily in order. In future parts we will discuss exciting 2009 events such as my Annual Homeowners Association Meeting, my trip to QuikTrip in March and being beaten by the weather in Denver for the second year in a row.

A message to you, and Soon-to-be

2009-09-06T21:40:00.004-04:00

Oh snap. So long since I’ve posted even the slightest amount of verbiage for you to see. For this, I am not sorry. I do realize I have kept you in suspense, up long nights, perspiring in wretched anticipation of my next words, unable to think or concentrate, not sure whom to turn to. Oh you’ve tried other blogs, other raucous ramblings from mischievous miscreants who peruse and abuse the English language. But you returned on the nigh, faithfully checking daily and it is only now that you are rewarded. But what sweet relief! And although there exists no remorse from me to you, like a superfluous sack of studded secret-santa stockings, your loyalty ingratiates me.

The question now becomes, where have I been? Well to answer this question, you must solve a series of riddles, each more challenging than the last. Actually, that is not true at all. There will be no riddles.

So really, I’ve been gallivanting all over the country, crisscrossing our nation’s scenic patchwork of cities in pursuit of some really good landings. I found one in Hastings, Nebraska last week but gave it up to a 4100 foot gem of an upslope in Douglas, Wyoming. Then there was the bouncer down the runway in Paducah, Kentucky but I wasn’t flying that one. Knoxville, Tennessee offered a real greaser and so did Lantana, Florida but the best was Tampa Bay. I think it’s because I was wearing my Tampa Bay Lightning hat, which, incidentally, has its own very exciting story.

Anyway, one of the highlights over the past couple of weeks was going to the University of Tennessee’s home football opener. There were 104,000 people there and 7 of them were not wearing orange. I think everyone should go see a game like that at least once. The feeling is electric when that place gets loud… it’s pretty wild.

Other big news is my upcoming marriage. It’s only 6 days away… wow. I’m getting to marry the woman of my dreams in front of 80 of my closest friends and family and then get to spend a week in the Virgin Islands. Please pray that no major hurricanes blow through the Leewards over the next couple of weeks. Thanks for your help.

Enjoy these kick ass photos. And you’re welcome.

Also, I don’t know where I got the word ‘nigh’ from but it sounded like it fit.

And Soon-to-be, you really are the best. Missin you tonight, the Gulf Coast just isn’t the same without you… 5 days to go, can’t wait!

I miss the Peach Pit

2009-08-08T22:20:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to say hello to everyone... haven't been able to blog much lately and I am a little upset with my email right now because sometimes I'll type a long email and my computer will send the email without actually including the text. Weird huh? I find that strange because years ago when people still wrote letters, you didn't have to worry about the ink disappearing. Unless you used disappearing ink... What am I getting at? Well I'm quite certain that my computer uses disappearing fonts. I know it sounds so crazy but you know what else sounded crazy? An upper-middle class family from suburban Minneapolis uprooting themselves from their pseudo-Canadian lifestyle and bringing their "O"-lacking accents and wholesome midwestern values to Beverly Hills. Ahh, the good ol' days of disappearing ink and Luke Perry.

2009-07-10T12:09:00.001-04:00

Attention everyone! This is my first attempt at mobile blogging. Right now I'm somewhere between Miami and Atlanta. If you do not hear from me again within 3 days, please assume that I have been either kidnapped by the Russian mafia or sold as slave labor to a bunch of hairy Ishmaelites. In either case, the mobile blogging will have proven an unwise choice.

Do what you love

2009-07-07T19:41:00.003-04:00

Greetings fellow blog-enthusiasts! Welcome to another exciting According to Me post... So much has happened recently and it may take a few posts to fill you in.

First, if you're not doing what you love to do in life, start running towards that goal. And I do mean run because, and excuse the cliche, life really is way too short. I say this because I have spent a fair amount of time doing things that I didn't want to do until I made a decision to do what I love to do. What this means for me is that I get to teach people how to fly. I get to spend countless hours crammed inside a tiny cockpit, endure stifling heat, hours of repetitive maneuvers, moments of sheer terror, endless turbulence and landings that bounce more than one of Bernie Madoff's checks. And then I step out of the airplane and they solo and return to the earth with a skip in their step and a walk that's just a bit taller because now they're a pilot, and I can't help but smile all the way home.

And from time to time, due to my occupational circumstances, I get to do very fun things. In upcoming posts, I'll tell you more about Soon-to-be and my exciting July 4th weekend trip to Clearwater, FL.

End of the Day

2009-06-24T14:28:00.003-04:00

Alright people, let's talk about something that is very important. If you're a person who uses the term "at the end of the day" to offer a summation of critical points of your argument or commentary, please cease and desist immediately. I am somewhat reluctant at this point to persue legal means to persuade your compliance but do understand that I have retained counsel and am prepared for that recourse should it become necessary. As possibly the most over abused cliche in the history of the English language, it is difficult to reach the "end of the day" without hearing it uttered at least once, sometimes several more times, usually from pseudo-intellectual types who don't even make much sense to begin with. Thanks.

Lifestyle Change

2009-06-21T21:55:00.003-04:00

I went wakeboarding on Lake Lanier with soon-to-be, neighbor, Marb, and neighbor's sister. Minister was unable to make it due to occupational issues. I feel like I did very well and was able to get up, turn and even exit the wake, stage left. However, if you've never wakeboarded before, you'd be surprised at how difficult it is to turn right, assuming you keep your left foot forward. It's an opposite-Zoolander-watersport thing.

But after my initial training, and some excellent coaching, I moved into some advanced wakeboarding maneuvers and was photographed mid-flip. I have decided to quit my job and join the pro-wakeboarder circuit. It's a pretty intense lifestyle which focuses mainly on Red Bull and Black Eyed Peas singles and may include me getting a pretty sweet joker tattoo. Hopefully I'll be able to obtain some sweet corporate sponsors like Febreeze and Arm & Hammer baking powder. I also look forward to visiting some of America's most formidable wakeboarding lakes like Arkansas's Lake Lotsagatorsinhere, or South Dakota's Bigolcatfishuleatchya Lake. Oh man.

A few things to talk about on Saturday morning

2009-06-20T11:11:00.004-04:00

Welcome to the weekend! After an exhaustive week of flying, I'm looking forward to a lazy Saturday afternoon with soon-to-be and a fun day on the lake on Sunday. I think I'll try slalom water skiing again and hopefully I'll be able to get out of the water this time. Larkin is a good boat driver. So, that just might be the biggest problem I have in my life today... pretty cool. There are also many inetresting things going on, both personally and internationally.

I think the protests in Iran are an amazing thing. I'm not a big fan of oppressive regimes (unless of course it's an oppresive Zionist regime) and I support the Iranians who are challenging their government. I am reminded of Abraham Lincoln's famous quote, "Any people anywhere, being inclined and having the power, have the right to rise up, and shake off the existing government, and form a new one that suits them better. This is a most valuable - a most sacred right - a right, which we hope and believe, is to liberate the world..." Go Iran.

CBS has a new reality show in which families will be walled off within their neighborhood. The neighborhood is in Kennesaw, GA, just a few miles from Cobb County Airport. I have been trying to find it from the air but no joy yet. I'll keep you informed.

Soon-to-be and I are less than 3 months away from getting married. I have decided that one of the most annoying things in the world is when people patronizingly tell you to "back out now!", or "don't do it" and then laugh like it's the funniest thing since William Hung sang 'She Bang' on American Idol Season 3. Really people, if your marriage is so horrible maybe you should "back out now" or at least run something a little more original up the old proverbial marriage pole. I guess this could have been part 3 of my 2 Part, 7 Part series on Things in Life that Really Annoy me. Yes, I said it right, re-read it if you have to.

Soon-to-be is also the coolest person I have ever met. Lucky am I to be marrying her, she is the best friend I've ever had.

FB UPDATE: No recent friend cancellations
TWITTER UPDATE: Still not using it
MYSPACE UPDATE: Never used it
iPhone UPDATE: iPhone has become increasingly angry with me and is threatening to nationalize me

UPDATE

2009-06-14T23:54:00.004-04:00

After discussing the matter with my minister, I attempted to slalom water ski on Lake Lanier earlier today. If my ultimate goal was to achieve sore muscles, several facefulls of water and a healthier orange glow to my already sunburned body (see previous post for further information on this topic), then today was an unmitigated success. And, if my penultimate goal was to succeed in staying on one ski for at least 3.5 seconds, then again, righteous success.

So thanks to Dave, my Minister and sage, for his counsel and wisdom.

Also, for those of you who are waiting for my 2010 photo calender, the photo shoot ocurred this weekend and was a total success! I've attached a bonus photo to this blog post enititled "Grrr, I'm a tiger", and may even use this one for the March, 2010 photo. Remember you can pre-order your calender today and save 10%.

2009-06-14T22:24:00.002-04:00

So many things to write about... so much time. Where shall I begin? Tonight I'll start with my trip to Florida with soon-to-be. I was reminded of many beachy things on this trip, including but not limited to the fact that there is no vocabulary substitute, nor appopriate synonym for "beachy". Also, it was relieving to be refreshed on my antiquated rip-tide escape procedures; something we could all use a refresher on.

We found ourselves on Friday night in Destin, Florida. It's on the panhandle of Florida and is known for it's white sand beaches and emerald green waters; aptly named the Emerald Coast. That morning, soon-to-be and I had loaded ourselves into a 2002 Cessna 172S and made the 237 nautical mile (a nautical mile is just over 6000 feet) trip down to Destin in just under 2 hours. We then proceeded to spend the next 24 of 36 hours glued to the sand, inches from the lapping waves. It was many things, including relaxing, serene, hot, salty, humid, fun and most of all, beachy. I ate a few fresh gulf shrimp, some fresh gulf crab and a couple fresh gulf mosquitos. It was wonderful.

The picture here is of soon-to-be piloting us over Alabama on our way back. She is a great pilot with great sunglasses!

51

2009-06-08T23:34:00.005-04:00

Good news people! Here it is, in no particular order except that maybe the coolest stuff is last, so yeah, it is in a particular order, or then again, maybe not, and maybe I put way too many commas into this sentence.

1) This is the 51st post of this blog, which means there were 50 excellent, informative and inspirational "According to Me"s before this one. Hopefully the next 50 will be even better. In fact, I'll be having a 100th post soiree to celebrate. There will be prizes and food and drinks and live entertainment. Comment to this post on what date you think I'll reach this milestone and the person who comes closest will receive a special prize!

2) Sometimes when you think that what's happening in your life is a really bad thing, that very event turns about to be the best thing in the world that could have happened.

3) I have a hair dresser. After an exhaustive, world-wide search that involved multiple locales, 7 cows and 1 unruly Elvis impersonator, I finally found a really great hair dresser in Norcross, GA. What have I learned from all of this? The spikey-haired wet look is out.

4) I am really excited for soon-to-be's sister, who is waxing with child. She is good people and I am sufficiently confident that her posterity will be as well.

5) Soon-to-be and I are planning a trip down to Florida this weekend. We'll be flying ourselves down there which makes the whole thing easier and way more fun. Am I bragging because I have my pilot's license? Yes, and I don' feel bad because I worked my ass off for it.

6) I lost some Facebook friends this week. I'll be okay. If you're looking for a good Facebook friend, I suggest Paul. He understands that the hair fashion world is trending dry-look right now.

7) I would like to try slalom water skiing. I will talk to my wedding ceremony minister about this.

8) Hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for the continued support of the blog and remember to comment about what date you think I'll reach 100 posts. I know it's very exciting.

Celebrity Death Match (and by "celebrity" I mean internet social medium)

2009-06-07T00:41:00.004-04:00

As many of you are well aware, According to Me has been angry with my Twitter account for some time. The blog has been understandably jealous and I felt it appropriate to refrain from "twittering" and "blogging" simultaneously; at least until the blog calms down a bit. So for those of you following my Twitter account, my apologies, I'll get back to it soon.

Good movie- "The Hangover". Really funny.
Good blog- "According to Me". Really awesome. But you already know that.

Whats up with that?

2009-06-04T14:04:00.006-04:00

What is up with "holocaust deniers"? It's not really an issue that makes me angry or gets me all riled up, I just don't understand it. Not only does there exist actual, physical, tangible, material proof that genocide against 12 million Europeans occurred, the Nazis went to great pains to actually document the event. Saying that it didn't take place is like saying that television doesn't exist. If you went around saying that, maybe making impassioned speeches about how television is a lie perpetrated by an oppressive Zionist regime, people would look at you very strangely and think "Wow, if this person isn't an idiot, then... well, no, they're just an idiot." Is there anyone out there that doesn't think the holocaust actually occurred? I really would love to hear from you.

And what's up with people that remove you as their friend on Facebook? I'm not really offended or hurt by the matter, if I were I would have to kick my own ass. I'm trying to figure out the real-life social equivalent to a FB de-friend and all that ends up happening is me laughing my ass off because I'm even thinking about it.

Does insurance cover this?

2009-06-02T20:47:00.003-04:00

I really hope that I'm not an idiot. I mean I really hope that I am smart enough not to cause lasting nerve damage to my elbow by holding my cell phone to my ear for too long. According to a recent CNN online article, we are advised to switch hands while on the phone if our fingers begin to feel numb. It's really too bad because that article, in all its worthless glory, spawned an even further worthless response in the form of this blog commentary. So I'm sorry. Sorry for CNN and sorry you had to read my commentary about it. Hmm, now that I've thought about it, I'm most sorry for the people that don't think to put down the phone when they can't feel their fingers anymore.

Thank You

2009-05-26T23:20:00.003-04:00

Thanks to everyone for their support during my illness. I must however, take no responsibility for any post that was submitted during my recent bout of swine flu.

I really like Family Guy.

2009-05-20T03:53:00.003-04:00

Welcome to part 2 of my special seven-part series on Things In Life That Annoy Me. This will be the final installment of my seven part special blog-event and I am happy that we have taken this journey together. I hope that my previous six parts have caused you to take pause and examine what it is in life that truly annoys you.

Today we will be discussing the H1N1 virus, or swine flu, and specifically the American reaction to it. This is a thing in life that truly annoys me. According to the Los Angeles Times, multiple cities across the United States are seeing over a 50% increase in the amount of patients showing up to emergency rooms, complaining of flu-like symptoms. Most people have barely more than a sniffle, and are summarily sent on their way, unless of course, they are truly sick and require medical attention. So why the droves flcoking to the hospital because of a sore throat or runny nose? Because the media loves to scare the ever living daylights out of us. First, they throw around terms like "global pandemic", interspersed with grainy photos of past flu pandemics, only to cut to sound bites of World Health Organization officials predicting worst case scenarios. If that's not enough, their morbid lead-in music and swine-flu graphics suggest we are on the brink of total influenza annihilation. Then they write pieces, wrought with surprise and incredulity, about the explosion in ER visits across the US. It's a media created story that feeds on itself.

Let's look at some very simple facts which took me about 4 minutes to obtain from the government's Center for Disease Control website.

*200,000 Americans require hospitalization every year due to influenza related symptoms

*Most people who are hospitalized are admitted due to respiratory or heart problems

*36,000 Americans die every year from influenza

*5% to 20% of Americans get influenza every year, 15-60 million Americans

*This means the average death rate for influenza is .24% as a worst case scenario. That is less than one quarter of one percent

*Currently, according to the CDC, there are 5,469 cases of confirmed swine flu cases in the US.

*6 Deaths have been confirmed linked to swine flu

*That means the death rate is .1%. One tenth of one percent.

Now I'm not saying that swine flu doesn't pose a health problem for some people. I just think the whole issue is overblown and that many in the media irresponsibly perpetutate a panic atmosphere.

In addition, I myself have come down with a nasty bout of influenza, I guess that's why it's on my mind. But it's no worse than what I've had in previous years and it's actually allowed me to get in touch with old friends from the past, like Jerry Springer, who continues to teach me not to find romance with a hermaphrodite hooker from Honolulu. Thanks Jerry.

And thanks to all of you, for engaging with me in this seven-part blog series on Things In Life That Annoy Me.

Part One

2009-05-13T10:46:00.003-04:00

Welcome to my in-depth, seven part series on "Trivial Things in Life That Annoy Me". In part one, we will be exploring grocery stores, specifically grocery store self-scan checkout lines and the irritating people that occupy them. This is a trivial thing in life that annoys me.

Do you remember where you were when you saw, for the first time, an automated self-checkout lane at a grocery store? Well me neither. But I do remember thinking, "Wow! This is fantastic. Now I don't have to wait for the cashier to scan the items at his or her own pace, (which usually hovered somewhere between slow and 'dear god does this person have a pulse'), my grocery scanning destiny had been placed squarely in my hands." It was a new world for this perishable pabulum purchaser.

Fast forward to last evening at 8:04pm. I'm in line, once again having chosen the self-checkout lane. I think maybe this will go quickly but succeed in only deceiving myself. There are four checkout lanes and all four are occupied. Lane number 1 is being used by a large woman who has decided to pay her 12 dollar tab with 88 nickels and a phenomenal amount of pennies. This lane will receive its next customer around midnight. On to lane number 2, where a middle-aged man is staring blankly at the screen in front of him. It's beeping and yelling at him, in that calm, digital manner that computers often do and in a moment, the man will turn, perplexed at this maddening piece of technology, and search for human help. But I've moved on to lane 3, where a mother of seven is able to scan items roughly every 90 seconds, in between shouts and stammers at her children which are met with retorts of shrieks and screams. It's an escalating crescendo of exchange with no clear victor in sight. My final option is lane 4 and it holds for me the promise of escape. What it doesn't hold is enough receipt tape to issue the customer ahead of me a receipt. So I waited, and waited and waited some more. Eventually I made it out, with all 12 of my grocery items and enough material for installment one of my special seven part series on Trivial Things in Life That Annoy Me.

If you would like to be a part of this special seven part series, please feel free to email me at benjaminkroll@gmail.com or comment to this post with the Trivial Things in Life That Annoy You.

Congratulations Hollywood

2009-05-10T21:45:00.003-04:00

Congratulations to Hollywood. Who finally, after 7 years of quality filmmaking famine, turned out a real good movie. Suprisingly, they came through by updating the classic geek-fest catalyst Star Trek and turned it into an exciting thrill ride worthy of mention in a luadable "According to Me" post.

Many other things happened this weekend. Most of them you probably don't even give a damn about. However, I will write about them and you will read about them. This is the cliffhanger portion of the blog post, the part which keeps you yearning and returning for more. Until then... live long and prosper.

More for you

2009-05-08T19:06:00.003-04:00

Another really bad movie I saw was "He's Just Not That In To You". If you haven't seen it, do something to better yourself rather than waste 2 hours feeling uncomfortable.

Angels and Demons

2009-05-07T20:40:00.002-04:00

Angels and Demons better be good. I mean really good. Hollywood has made a bunch of crap the past year, starting with that Will Smith bore-fest 7 Pounds. There's been some other really bad ones too and I'd prefer not to go into it.

Hi

2009-05-04T16:40:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to say hi to everyone! Hope everyone is doing well and thanks for reading the blog. I'm currently in Florida right now, on one of my marathon tours through the state and hopefully I'll be back before midnight. Really it depends on the weather. If it's too bad I'll stop in Panama City on the way back and stay the night. If not, I'll push through to Atlanta. I'll have more later...

0425

2009-05-01T04:13:00.003-04:00

0413 and I have a few things to say.

One, I can type very fast for someone that cannot touch type. However, when it comes to typing in the dark, everything changes.

Two, I am training myself to use only military time. I think we all know why this is important.

Three, I think this whole swine flu thing is a joke. Apparently, it's a mild strain of an influenza virus that is not transmittable through the air. So really, you have to cough on someone to give it to them. And if they get it, life will become very uncomfortable for a few days. And maybe, without proper care or they're under 3 or over 70, it could be as potentially fatal as any other flu bug out there. In short, this giant media hype has about as much chance of really affecting (or is it effecting? any English majors I could use a little help there) me as aw hell, I lost my point. Cut me some slack, it's 0418.

Four, I have a wonderful fiancee who makes me laugh from the time I get up to 3 minutes before I fall asleep. Make sure you have someone in your life who does that for you.

Hope everyone has a great day and don't worry about the swine flu. In fact, don't worry about much at all today.

Congratulations

2009-04-30T19:32:00.002-04:00

Congratulations Mrs. Q, "According to Me"s 7th official follower! In recognition of Mrs. Q's efforts, "According to Me" has devoted an entire blog post to her. It's this post if you're wondering.

Quarrels

2009-04-30T13:35:00.003-04:00

'According to Me' has recently discovered my Facebook and Twitter accounts. After an unsuccessful attempt to infect me with Swine Flu in a fit of jealousy, I originally planned to punish the blog. However, I believe a three-way battle to the death would be much more appropriate. I will bring to all of my followers a live, streaming video (available later on Podcast) battle royale in which only one internet personal-update medium will survive. May the best trendy social internet tool survive!

14 hours, 5 airports and 1 tractor

2009-04-30T13:03:00.003-04:00

I had an uber interesting day last week. Alan had me show up to Pompano Beach Airpark at 8am. This meant that I had to have the airplane preflighted by 330am and wheels up by 340. This picture was taken near Orlando just before sunrise. I think that bright star is Venus. Anyway, after getting Alan at Pompano, we were off to Okechobee, FL because fuel is so cheap there and then we made our way north to Thomasville, Georgia. After that, we stopped in Columus, GA where Alan bought a tractor. Yes, a tractor. Then it was up to Atlanta, Hartsfield International in our little 4-place single engine piston airplane. If you want to know what it's like to land something that small at the world's busiest airport, recall the Visa commercials with the music where everyone is paying with their check cards and then the guy whips out some cash and everything comes to an akward halt? That's it. Now imagine that they day before Thanksgiving. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. After that, just a short jaunt up to Cobb County. Quite a fun day really.

Renovations

2009-04-10T15:19:00.002-04:00

I got rid of the useless knowledge gadget on this blog. It was, well, useless.

Where have I been?

2009-04-10T15:17:00.000-04:00

Where indeed.

Samsung NC-10

2009-02-20T13:38:00.002-05:00

My brother sent me this new Netbook. It is awesome. I had iPhone take this picture of Samsung.

Samsung NC-10

2009-02-20T13:37:00.000-05:00

Mino

2008-12-24T12:57:00.002-05:00

The Flip Mino Video is an ultralight, portable, high quality video camera that is about the size of a cell phone. Mino is simple to use and can take good quality videos that I can upload right here. So thanks to my parents, I have Mino and you can see some kick ass videos. iPhone has taken this picture of Mino. iPhone is also jealous of Mino.

Las Vegas

2008-12-20T10:39:00.003-05:00

Hot and I ventured out west to Sin City for Thanksgiving. Most people's responses to our telling them our Thanksgiving plans was a dash of shock, sprinkled wth awe. Las Vegas isn't exactly your traditional Thanksgiving getaway. But those same people would swing towards approval once we informed them that Vegas becomes my annual familial round-up locale. I guess it's not as a sinful if you're there with the fam.

There is plenty to do in Las Vegas. Especially if your girlfriend is an olympic medalist speed walker. One day we walked over 11 miles. I complained and she just kept on walking. But thanks to her we did get to experience classic Vegas.

Casinos: With stops at Ceasars Palace, Wynn, Venetian, Mirage, Bellagio, Paris, the glitz can be a bit overwhelming. It's all so ornate and over the top. From the gondolas on the canals at the Venetian to the moving statues in the Forum at Caesars, it's all very intense.

Stratosphere: This is one of the highlights of the trip. Go through one of the lamest casinos on the strip to get to one of the coolest spots on the strip, the top of the Stratosphere. We strapped ourselves into a seat and this thing shot us straight up in the air a couple of times. You go weightless for a couple of seconds and the ride is well worth the $15 we spent on it. The view from the top is incredible.

Cirque: Now when my parents got me tickets to see Cirque de Soleil's Love, I was less than thrilled. However, those Cirque people are incredible. It was a blast, dare I even say balst? I was thoroughly entertained the entire show. If you have never seen Cirque, click on this link to buy tickets now. http://www.cirquedusoleil.com/

Gambling: There are 7 million different ways to lose money in Las Vegas. I think next time I'll just go up to my hotel room, pull out my cash and light it on fire a split second before I drop it in the toilet and flush it.

Family: Not usually a part of the Vegas experience but it was wonderful getting to see some family I don't see very often and spend a few days with Hot.

Greg's Temporary Desk

2008-12-20T08:19:00.003-05:00

So I know you're wondering, who is this Greg character? The more important question, however, is why does Greg have a temporary desk? In no less than 250 words, I will tell you.

When the mantle of Middle Earth was formed nearly 700,000 years ago and he who shall not be named rose from its molten depths in search of forlorn lovers Edward and Bella, there was foretold a prophesy. This prophesy spoke of one desk. One desk to rule them all. Enter Greg. As the son of two wise Elderin Elves, Greg was happy with his permanent desk. It was elbaborately decorated, ornate, and magnificent to view. Townspeople spoke of its opulent furnishings and travelers ventured form far and wide to gaze upon its splendor. It was even rumored that the desk contained, deep within it's mahogany framing, magical healing powers that could restore health to the sickest, or cure even the meanest case of carpal tunnel. And so Greg was happy. Happy until the day the Morlocks rose from the underworld and removed Greg's desk, piece by piece. Greg was powerless to stop them of course and found little solace in a cruel and hostile, desk-stealing world. Greg slipped into a deep depression, wallowing in the mire of his own defeat, mourning the loss of his 'precious'. But all was not lost, for the townspeople built Greg a new desk, a temporary stand-in that would, at the very least, provide for Greg a safe harbor, a respite in the storm that was his search for redemption, for retribution.

Oops

2008-11-24T00:02:00.002-05:00

I just realized that the '24' season premier was tonight. My apologies, iPhone will be punished.

3 planes, 2 Italians and 1 psychopath

2008-11-23T23:36:00.004-05:00

That pretty much sums up my weekend. And if you weren't there for it, I'm sorry you missed it. But if you want to get a feel for what it was like, watch the season premier of '24' next week.

Also, my iPhone has figured out how to take a picture of itself. One step closer to becoming self-aware. iPhone will be contacting you soon with further instructions.

40 Seconds

2008-11-20T22:46:00.000-05:00

Life is funny. I flew about 800 miles, over 4 states, sunup to sundown and was late getting home by 40 seconds. 40 seconds meant that I had to fly to another airport and find a ride home (thanks Hot) because my home airport is under construction and the airport turns into a pumpkin at sunset. Well, maybe not a pumpkin but the place shuts down at official sunset. Really, no exceptions. I was just under 2 miles from touchdown when it shut down. Now you may think that I was a little upset about the whole thing, a day like that coming down to 40 seconds. Not even a little bit. It wasn't too long ago that I wasn't even getting paid to fly. In fact, I was paying other people a lot of money so that I could fly. A year ago, I could only dream to have this kind of "40 second problem". So I hope that I never lose sight of the fact that the problems I have today are problems of progress and luxury. Life is real good.

Those helicopters in the photo are Blackhawks. One followed me into Gainesville this afternoon. Pretty cool.

The t is silent

2008-11-19T23:20:00.000-05:00

That's what I learned about mortgage when I purchased my first home 9 days ago.

But what a home! It really is amazing and I recommend that everyone go out and buy a home if you don't already own one. Hot and I found a great little condo in the woods and the price was awesome. So thanks to some really great people (Dave the Realtor and Dennis the Magic Mortgage Man), we are home owners. Here is a picture of Hot in our new place.

Nik and Gina

2008-11-06T09:15:00.001-05:00

Congratulations to newly married Nik and Gina. Two of the best people I know and I was honored to be a part of their special day. You guys are awesome!

My Absence

2008-11-06T08:54:00.000-05:00

Oh, by the way, you may have noticed that I had not published any new posts in over 6 weeks. I apologize for the interruption in posting, but please accept the following list of scenarios that explain my absence. You may choose any scenario from the following list or feel free to send me one that better explains my sabbatical.

1) I have been spending 23.7 hours a day glued to election coverage which includes but is not limited to political blogs, cable news and my left-wing friend Ralph who really believes that America needs change. Hot has supplied me with microwave egg rolls and Red Bull.

2) I was tapped by Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson to manage the multi-billion dollar bailout package approved by congress. However, I was quickly disgraced and sent on my way after telling the Senate to "put it on my credit card."

3) I won the lottery and hired someone to teach me how not to read and write.

4) I have been busy campaigning for Barack Obama at local area Starbucks using buzz phrases like "rock the vote" and "hope for America". I'm not sure I generated much support for Obama but I did receive 6 and a half free lattes and met 3 perky baristas who work part time and still get great benefits.

Fall

2008-11-06T08:36:00.000-05:00

As a part of my job, I get to do all sorts of fun things. I usually end up going to southern Florida at least once a week as well as other exotic locales in the Southeast. Places like Lafayette, Georgia (and yes, here in Georgia it's pronounced 'La-fayit), Center, Alabama (which is actually not in the center of Alabama) and Chattanooga, Tennessee (which is a lot of n's, t's and s's to type). This time of year also affords me with an opportunity to see the magic of a season change. I've spent the past 6 autumns in the desert of Arizona (which has exactly 2 trees for every Starbucks) and every day I am amazed at the vibrant colors of fall. I know it's a simple thing but it is absolutely incredible to me. As I get to fly over it daily, I am filled with a sense of wonderment, amazement and gratitude. I love Georgia.

The sky is falling...

2008-09-21T23:19:00.000-04:00

Or so we would think. Now it is true that Washington lobbyists spent a lot of time deregulating the interactions between commercial and Wall Street financial institutions which caused lenders to unload billions in bad debt during the housing boom ultimately causing the near collapse of major mortgage holders and other institutions. But the government is stepping in with a proposed 700 billion dollar relief plan. Wow. It just sounds like bad parenting. I've been riveted by the whole thing and glued to the news during my free time. Here are a few tidbits I've learned over the weekend concerning the economy, congress and some family and good friends of mine.

1) Invest in gold. It went up $70 an ounce in one day last week.
2) Congress has a lower approval rating than the Unabomber.
3) Andrew is in Kuwait City, ready to head into a remote Iraqi province. 11 months to go for him. Stay safe brother...
4) Nik and Gina bought their first home which I have not visited yet but I hear is quite awesome. You guys are great. Congrats!

So really, the sky is not falling and the only reason it's getting darker earlier is because fall is here. So stop for a moment today to enjoy how good life really is...

What is a balst?

2008-09-14T23:33:00.001-04:00

One of my loyal readers has posted this question in the comments section of one of my posts. According to a very reputable dictionary source, a balst is a "rip-roaring grand time, an entertaining and lively soiree filled with delightful musical score and enchanting company." noun As in 'I had so much fun at the balst last night'.

Be safe Andrew

2008-09-06T15:34:00.001-04:00

My brother deployed to the Middle East on Monday. He arrived in Kuwait and will be heading to Iraq within the next month. I am proud and grateful that we have soldiers like him to defend our country.

I love the TSA

2008-09-06T14:41:00.000-04:00

I remember the days when you could stroll through a metal detector at your leisure, smile politely at the screener who seemed to miss every 3rd or 4th bag as it rolled through the x-ray machine, and mosey on down to the gate, even if the only thing you wanted to catch was an overpriced BK Bigfish. So today, in our "post 9/11 world", getting on an airline flight is much different. You must practically undress, endure untold amounts of complaining from the screeners themselves (yeah, they seem to have a problem doing their job, at least in Atlanta), and then there's the occasional run-in with a security agent wearing rubber gloves. And everyone's got their own anecdotal stories. My nephew was patted down on his last trip through an airport with his mother. He's 3. But what if you purchase an airline ticket, one way, on the day you're departing? Well then, it's basically assumed that you're a terrorist. Maybe not a terrorist mastermind but definitely a terrorist. I'm not sure what qualifications your average terorist needs to become an actual mastermind but I'll bet it's a lot. Anyway, so here I am, walking up to the security checkpoint and after a thorough, stern-faced looking-over by the TSA screener, I am escorted to a sectioned off area where I'm told to stand on the rubber mat and surrender my belongings. My bag is taken from me and I am then led to a small room in the center of the screening area. The problem is, this small room has walls made of glass and I feel like a fish in an aquarium and people are looking at me. Some even start to tap on the glass but are shooed away by the over-protective aquarium guides. I stand there for a few minutes, looking out of this glass cell, like TSA's prize trophy when finally, another man enters my cell. CAUTION: If you started reading this post from the last sentence, it's not going where you think it's going. I am then patted down thoroughly and led through the metal detector. My bag is subjected to a once-over with a padded, scrub like instrument and then sampled for explosives residue. I am then escorted to another metal-detector looking device that shoots puffs of air all around me, sampling my clothing for explosives residue. By now, I'm convinced that maybe I am some sort of mastermind until the TSA tells me I can collect my belongings and have a good flight. Are you kidding me? I've had pilot flight physicals that are less invasive. So I know you're looking for a moral to this saga and here it is: When reading blog posts, make sure to start from the beginning.

Cross Country

2008-09-06T14:02:00.000-04:00

To all of my loyal readers (which I think has topped out at 2), I apologize for the lack of posting as of late. The westerly winds of fate sent me on some interesting adventures these past couple of weeks. Included were stops in Clearwater Florida, Metropolis Illinois, Grand Island Nebraska, Douglas Wyoming, Cheyenne Wyoming, Denver Colorado, and St Josephs Missouri. I also encountered 45 mile per hour winds in Nebraska and endured 11 bags of stale airline peanuts, 3 flight delays and one surly, unapologetic, bordering on instigative supervisor for Frontier Airlines. But it was a balst and I got to traverse the country back and forth a couple of times, flying with a student. We encountered some low-level clouds and weather on our return trip which made the whole thing a bit more interesting but here's a great shot above the clouds at about 9000 feet somewhere over Kansas.

One phone to rule them all

2008-08-21T15:28:00.000-04:00

Yes, the prophesy has come true. Melded deep within the earth's inner mantle, the iPhone has surfaced to rule over all phones in middle earth. And I have gotten my grubby little hands on one. Now I will tell you a fable.

Many moons ago, I took Hot to the mall to get her an iPhone. Turns out, this was the first day iPhones (3G version) were on sale. Four cups of coffee, 2 chicken sandwiches, 6.5 trips to the bathroom (combined) and 7.25 hours later, we walked out of the Apple Store with a shiny new 16GB iPhone. Now when I tell people the story, I typically get the same patronizing smirk, complete with some smart-ass comment that they assumed was very original, clever and witty. It was not. But really, it wasn't so bad. We met some pretty neat people and honestly, some real weirdos too, relatively speaking. Anyway, getting to use Hot's iPhone has given me the iPhone bug and today is the day my contract with Verizon expired. They tried to keep me over there at VZW, really pushing me on the Dare, their iPhone knockoff. But it's not even close. The iPhone really is that cool and I only had to wait 10 minutes to get this one.

The only thing I'm a little upset about right now is that the iPhone cannot take a picture of itself.

It also refuses to become self-aware.

Friends

2008-08-20T22:22:00.000-04:00

One of the great things about my life is that I have so many cool friends. If I had a myspace page, I would have many photos of them with links to their pages and they would all be a part of my extended network. But I'm just not that cool so you're going to have to take my word for it. So what's my point with all of this? Well, I get to be a part of my friends' lives and laugh a lot with them and watch them grow and go through things and try to be a good friend to them. To put a cap on this heartfelt moment, just wanted to say 'you rock Marb'.

UPDATE:
Tropical Fay is no longer the catastrophic weather event that it was originally forecast to be.

Cheap Pilot Stuff

2008-08-19T22:00:00.000-04:00

As some of you are aware, I fly airplanes. Albeit small ones, but they are fun and a few can actually go pretty fast. So to all you pilots out there who are looking for a good place to get a spiffy new pair of David Clarks or want to price Garmin's full color 396, check out a great discount online pilot shop.

www.cheappilotstuff.com

Tell em I sent you

Weather

2008-08-19T21:18:00.000-04:00

I love weather. I think it's very interesting which I realize may make me about as cool as William from Beauty and the Geek. But over the weekend, Tropical Storm Fay burst onto the thus far hurricane-less meteorological scene with great fanfare. The Weather Channel, in all their dramatic excitement, unveiled their newest hurricane season musical score complete with fade-in severe weather graphics and concerned commentators. It would not be complete however, without the poncho laden, over-enthusiastic field reporter taking a barrage of wind-swept rain to the face, pointing emphatically at the sea wall and describing in detail how high the storm swell will get. So here comes Fay, sauntering up the Florida coastline. Here is Fay's predicted path, in case you were interested.

Also, as I know you've all been wondering, I am having fun with my new blogging experience. I am feeling very cutting-edge right now. Blogging is so late 2000s. When VH1 does their "I love the 2000s" special in a few years, blogging will be right up there with Hogwarts and Britney.

Welcome

2008-08-19T00:35:00.000-04:00

So, this is a little weird, maybe uncomfortable or vulnerable. Somewhat like when you're at the grocery store about to check out and you want to put your groceries on the conveyor belt so that they're ready to go when the clerk finishes with the person in front of you. But alas, there aren't any of those little grocery dividers sitting in their tray underneath the US magazine with Meg Ryan in some risque pose. So what do you do? Who knows the ramifications of putting your groceries on the conveyor belt with no divider. The consequences could be disastrous. I believe that in this instance, you have two options; one is to wait and allow precious minutes to tick by while the clerk waits for you to put your groceries on the belt after the other person is done, or two, build a food based fortification (I suggest perishables only) that clearly signals where your groceries begin. In future posts, I will be discussing available options in dealing with a grocery-dividerless customer who is line behind you. Stay tuned!

Well, now that the introductions are over, welcome to my new and improved blog. New because, well, it's new and improved because this is an improvement over my last blog which actually didn't even exist. I hope you like what you read because if it's here I certainly enjoyed writing it.

I will address any topic I feel needs addressing. However, I feel I should set some ground rules. The following is a list of things we will not be discussing on this blog:
-Outlet Malls
-the Motorola Razr
-Abortion
-Arkansas
-Lifetime Movies
(I reserve the right to modify this list in any way I see fit).

So feel free to leave comments and I'm glad you stopped by!

Oh, just a shout out to my smokin hot girlfriend. She is the coolest and hottest and yes, I love her. Sweet dreams hot.