BREAKING NEWS!!

In a shocking turn of events that will likely cause political upheaval and major scandal within the GOP presidential race, it has been discovered by this blogger that Mitt Romney may not actually be who he says he is.

In fact, Romney may not even be from where he says he's from.

In the startling images shown here, one can clearly see that Romney is actually none other than Detective George Francisco, the street-wise alien cop with an enormous pangea head and a taste for sour milk. You may recall the near Alien invasion of Los Angeles in the late 80s and early 90s that saw the influx of a mass amount of sea-water fearing refugees from some distant planet.

Mitt Romney or... George Francisco? Shown here with Detective Sykes solving a crime in LA in 1990

As shocking as this may seem, there are some even suggesting that Romney/Sanfrancisco's past is mired in consistent scandal. Remember that the Newcomers men were the child-bearing species of their lot? Does Romney have a secret love-child born out of wedlock, being raised in Compton? A hidden family hiding in Slagtown? These are just a few of the questions that have arisen since this shocking revelation.

While Romney's people have been mum on the issue so far, Newt Gingrich offered up some harsh words for Romney saying, "I don't really like Newcomers." While Michelle Bachmann and Jon Huntsman remained quiet, Rick Perry was quoted as saying "Lay off the guy, I like that alien SOB."

It's not clear where this leaves Romney politically. Pundits are now suggesting he step out of the race as he is not even eligible to be President of the United States. One thing is for sure, the mystery surrounding these events may not even leave Los Angeles Detective George Francisco up to the task.

Test

Worst Movies I'll Never See

Wondering what movies I'm referencing? Well, that's what we call a teaser. A way to keep you reading all the way to the end of this post. I suppose you could just scroll down to the bottom and avoid the rest of the blog but I am cunning and now maybe I'll put it in the middle of the blog, or maybe I'll just tell you what they are right now. That way, all the suckers who tried to avoid the rest of the blog post by skipping to the bottom are searching in vain for my Official List of the Worst Movies I'll Never Watch at the bottom. So without further ado here goes, I will countdown the top 5.

5- Gigli. I think this had Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. I imagine this movie consists of them making out for 2 hours and Ben Affleck looking skyward with that pursed lip, pouty face thing he does.

4- Harry Potter and the Insert Something With Wizardical Connotation. Technically, my list should be about 82 movies long due to all the sequels but I've decided to lump all the Harry and his little spell-casting pal movies into number 4.

3- Beethoven's 5th. Remember this one? Giant crazy dog either does something crazy or cute. Probably both for about 90 minutes of wasted time.

2- Brady Bunch the Sequel. In the first one, they really nailed it. I was especially impressed with the family outing to Sears and their enlightening choreographed renditions of "It's a Sunshine Day" and "Keep on". But why mess with perfection?

1- Blue Crush 2. I think this one speaks for itself. I'm sure there's a plot in there somewhere.

Note* For all you steamed Harry Potter fans out there, get over it and go play some squibbage with Dumpledorf.

Now this part of the blog post is filler for the people that thought they could just jump to the end and get the good stuff. But I control what goes on in my blog. I did make up a new word in this blog post; wizardical. I think I will add it to the vocabulary.

Well, that's about it, I'm off to not go watch the aforementioned movies.

Summer 2011 in 50 Words or Less

Here's my official review of Summer 2011 in 50 words or less. It may actually be more than 50 words but if you combine certain words at the appropriate time and location, I'm sure you could come up with a number close to 50.

Killing the Television:

Instead of buying the new mammoth flat screen from Best Buy, we ditched our old one in favor of some new authors and board games. Turns out I'm a bit of a Monopoly phenom, dominoes is not just for old people and my wife hates Yahtzee. We used the money we saved on not buying the consumer protection plan to eat at Golden Corral 4 nights a week. I'm still convinced my gastro-intestinal problems are unrelated.

Broken Foot:

A wild afternoon on a wave runner at Lake Burton resulted in a stress fracture of my second metatarsal. What's a metatarsal? Not really sure, though my doctor swears it's located in my foot. Caution; if you're going to google this, be sure not to enter 'metart".

Dayton to San Diego in 3.6 Seconds

Well it took more like 2 days but I eventually landed an SR22 safely in San Diego after ferrying it from Dayton, Ohio. Awesome trip, except for the 50 knot headwinds over Arizona and the cab driver in Albuquerque who thought that texting was the safest way to drive.

I Lost my Flip Flops in Lagrange Bayou:

Well, there's not really much else to say about that. Except I really liked those flip flops.

Vacation to Fort Walton Beach:

This was amazing. A week on the beach with my family was awesome. There was a television where we stayed but I only used it to watch football. And All my Children. Everyday. Maybe some Dancing with the Stars and X-Factor. And Cheaters, and Ricki Lake re-runs. In fact, all I did was watch TV. Wish I would have spent some time with my parents...:( However, I do love Simon's new look.

New Business:

Started a new business this summer. If you're looking for aviation related applications for the iPhone and iPad, search the iTunes store for ProPilot. We've got about 20 applications up so far. Many more in the works. Note: If you're an apple programmer and charge less than $100 an hour (preferably $12 an hour) please contact me.

So that's about it. There were many more exciting things that probably happened, or maybe they didn't but use your imagination to fill in the blanks. I'm now looking forward to fall, or as we call it around here, "complaining season". Be on the lookout for my upcoming Fall Blog Special: "Leaves, so Many Colors!" and "Autumn, Why the N?"

The Royal Wedding and my Giant Television

There exist a select few milestones that occur within one's lifetime that can truly be called miraculous. A first kiss, marriage, a child being born, a royal wedding...

I found myself all week pondering important questions that seemed to have no answers. What would Kate Middleton's dress look like? Will it rain on her and William's special day? What elegant dishes will comprise their royal feast? And while the questions linger and the answers seem just out of reach, the day approaches quickly.

In part for preparation and in part for honor, I have excused myself from work related duties this week. The wedding festivities will began at 4am Eastern standard time on Friday April, 29th. I have 4 alarms set already but am doubting if I will even be able to sleep the night before. Although very much excited, I do worry about ceremony blunders, maybe a Prince William wardrobe malfunction of some sort and I have already begun to see a dramatic upheaval within my sleep schedule.

I have rented a tuxedo. The shop called it the "Regal" tuxedo package and I asked if it was appropriate to wear to the royal wedding. I am not sure the clerk knew to what I was referring.

So there you have it, my 88 inch HD LCD plasma tube projection television will be on at precisely 4am this Friday morning, ready to bear witness to a moment we have all been waiting for. And yes, I promised myself I wouldn't cry...

Please stop saying "I guess we're playing phone tag"

So far, the no television experiment is going extremely well. The first couple of days were cake but day three and four felt like I was mourning the loss of a trusted friend. After a week, things smoothed out and we have noticed that we are engaging in some different activities where we used to plop in front of the couch (slowly nibbling away at our allotted 11 years in front of the tube). Now this isn't to say we've given up on television shows. There is some great entertainment and we can still watch some of our favorites like Magnum P.I., Mr. Belvedere and MTV's 90s blockbuster Remote Control on Shannon's MacBook Pro.

Speaking of MacBook Pro, this thing is sweet and definitely deserving of all those capital letters. It has a solid state drive. What does that mean? I have no idea. But try telling people that you have a computer with a solid state drive and watch their eyes turn green with envy and their expressions betray a strange, yet slightly comforting combination of contempt and respect.

So we're back to the pollen count again. I'm sure it will hit a million this year. If you're wondering about pollen counts, and I mean really wondering, please reference this post from last year.

When leaving a voicemail message for someone, please stop using the phrase "I guess we're playing phone tag.", or any derivative thereof. Examples may also include but are not limited to; "Tag, you're it." and "Ramone, the DNA test says it's your baby!" It had a good run and I'm sure the first time you heard it, it sounded witty and clever and was an easy way of explaining to someone why you weren't taking their calls and returned their calls when you knew they were busy. It is however, time to stop. Please support me in my efforts to rid the world of this obnoxious phrase. You can donate by emailing me and I will provide you with my home address so you can send me money. Also, please don't say "Spring has sprung." That's just stupid.

I've attached a video of some F-16s that rolled into Savannah this afternoon. We were outbound on the taxi way and the flight of four did an overhead break down to runway 10. Impressive.

The Experiment

49 Hours ago I read an article detailing a study that claimed that the average male in America spends 11 years of his life watching television. Eleven years!

Early this morning, while still half asleep, Shannon came to me and said, "What do you think about getting rid of the television?" Two words, "do it". An hour later, our living room was TV free.

So far, I'm looking at it like an experiment. I'm certain there will be withdrawals and something must be done in the corner where the TV used to sit. We were not nearly cool enough to have a giant flat screen mounted high on the wall to impress with 1080p or i or whatever the hell those HD settings are.

Usually I post ridiculous things on this blog. I got rid of my TV. How's that for ridiculous?