Although you wouldn't be able to tell here because no one likes to comment, my Optimus Prime baby-name discussion created quite a stir. I received two in-person comments regarding my sanity and one phone inquiry concerning my ingestion of paint chips as a small child.
To respond, I am very sane. I have a Simpson-esque, circa 1992 forehead stamp validating this fact. If you have ever seen that episode, you will know what I'm talking about. If not, I'm sure you're further convinced of my powered descent into crazyland. And no, I did not consume paint chips during my early years. There were many bouts with paste and maybe a few mornings were spent binging on some Elmers but I was on a straight Adkins style toxic ingestion program. Way too many carbs in paint chips.
So speaking of comments, maybe you could post them here instead of calling me, or confronting me in person.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Pollen, Optimus Prime and the Swan
Just some observations of late...
There were rolling clouds of pollen blanketing the city of Atlanta today. Not kidding, there were clouds of puke-green flower-dust everywhere. Fortunately I don't need 7 Claritin pills to get through one of these days. My biggest peeve is that my red truck turns puke-green red for a couple of weeks. But let's talk about the actual pollen count. According to the Atlanta Allergy and Asthma Clinic, a pollen count of 120 is considered extreme. Today's pollen count in Atlanta is 5,733. This means we are 47 times extreme. Is there even a word for that? I don't think there is. I think sometimes people make up numbers to be dramatic. Then you can go into your office and say things like, "Did you know that a pollen count of 120 is considered extreme?" Your co-workers will look at you quizzically, tilted heads, squinted brows, all wondering whether you possess an inane ability to recite occasionally useful and often useless bits of statistical data or whether your hypochondriatic youth endowed you with certain adult perclivities, most notably the ability to annoy others with your self-diagnosed medical troubles. But their pained expressions wash away with wonder and awe as you profess today's pollen count, a whopping 47 times what is considered extreme. The dramatic recitation rolls off your tongue and fills the corners of the room and seeps into the empty space above the liquid in the water cooler. 5,733.
In other news...
Although 'TH' is not pregnant, we would one day like to have a critter of our own. This desire has led us to a topic of conversation that causes much unrest within our home... Baby na
mes.
There were rolling clouds of pollen blanketing the city of Atlanta today. Not kidding, there were clouds of puke-green flower-dust everywhere. Fortunately I don't need 7 Claritin pills to get through one of these days. My biggest peeve is that my red truck turns puke-green red for a couple of weeks. But let's talk about the actual pollen count. According to the Atlanta Allergy and Asthma Clinic, a pollen count of 120 is considered extreme. Today's pollen count in Atlanta is 5,733. This means we are 47 times extreme. Is there even a word for that? I don't think there is. I think sometimes people make up numbers to be dramatic. Then you can go into your office and say things like, "Did you know that a pollen count of 120 is considered extreme?" Your co-workers will look at you quizzically, tilted heads, squinted brows, all wondering whether you possess an inane ability to recite occasionally useful and often useless bits of statistical data or whether your hypochondriatic youth endowed you with certain adult perclivities, most notably the ability to annoy others with your self-diagnosed medical troubles. But their pained expressions wash away with wonder and awe as you profess today's pollen count, a whopping 47 times what is considered extreme. The dramatic recitation rolls off your tongue and fills the corners of the room and seeps into the empty space above the liquid in the water cooler. 5,733.
In other news...
Although 'TH' is not pregnant, we would one day like to have a critter of our own. This desire has led us to a topic of conversation that causes much unrest within our home... Baby na
mes.I think a really great name for our first born would be Optimus Prime. Seriously, think about it. Optimus Prime.
TH is not a very big fan of the name Optimus Prime. She points out that for reasons to be explained, the name Optimus Prime could have a detrimental effect on our child's development. I believe it would be an honor to have the namesake of one of the world's greatest saviors bestowed upon our posterity. Optimus Prime was a hero for our world in a time of uncertainty, a time when the Decepticons and their evil plundering seemed to gain the upper hand. He fought against injustice and was successful in restoring balance and peace to the known universe and supported health care for everyone and the Feingold-McCain campaign finance reform package. TH believes that this would be a lot for a child to live up to. Well to be honest, I am expecting a lot from my child. The bar will be set high and I will accept nothing less as a father than total world salvation. I would also accept total world domination.
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Moving on, I found myself in Carrollton, Georgia a few days ago due to an emergency landing caused by a faulty magneto on a 1975 m-model Cessna 172. There really isn't much in Carrollton... Not much except one vintage DHARMA INITIATIVE MACHINE!!!! Seriously, check out the picture, I was afraid to touch it for fear of activating the Swan. Well not so much that, more fear that Jack Shepard would show up and annoy the hell out of me, like he's been doing every Thurs or Tues night for the past five seasons. It may have also been on Wednesday nights for a season or two.
TH is not a very big fan of the name Optimus Prime. She points out that for reasons to be explained, the name Optimus Prime could have a detrimental effect on our child's development. I believe it would be an honor to have the namesake of one of the world's greatest saviors bestowed upon our posterity. Optimus Prime was a hero for our world in a time of uncertainty, a time when the Decepticons and their evil plundering seemed to gain the upper hand. He fought against injustice and was successful in restoring balance and peace to the known universe and supported health care for everyone and the Feingold-McCain campaign finance reform package. TH believes that this would be a lot for a child to live up to. Well to be honest, I am expecting a lot from my child. The bar will be set high and I will accept nothing less as a father than total world salvation. I would also accept total world domination.
.jpg)
Moving on, I found myself in Carrollton, Georgia a few days ago due to an emergency landing caused by a faulty magneto on a 1975 m-model Cessna 172. There really isn't much in Carrollton... Not much except one vintage DHARMA INITIATIVE MACHINE!!!! Seriously, check out the picture, I was afraid to touch it for fear of activating the Swan. Well not so much that, more fear that Jack Shepard would show up and annoy the hell out of me, like he's been doing every Thurs or Tues night for the past five seasons. It may have also been on Wednesday nights for a season or two.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
This was really weird
So I'm a little confused. I'll explain...
Former soon-to-be and I took our canine companion down to the river today; the Chattahoochee river, which is only steps from our back porch. This river was made famous by 7 Native Americans, 2 Lake Lanier release valves and one pitchy Alan Jackson tribute whose music video depicts nothing I've ever seen nor done on 'the Hooch'. And while walking one of the trails, the strangest thing happened...
Coming at us down the trail at a pace somewhere between a brisk walk and labored jog was a very large black man with hands deep inside his puffy coat pockets. Behind him, shoeless and with labored breath was a portly white man, shouting "stop him! Stop him!"
I chose not to interfere.
Turns out the the portly white man was a peace officer. City of Roswell. For some unspecified reason he was angry with the man he was jogging after and consequently, angry with my wife and I for not trying to apprehend him.
Former soon-to-be and I took our canine companion down to the river today; the Chattahoochee river, which is only steps from our back porch. This river was made famous by 7 Native Americans, 2 Lake Lanier release valves and one pitchy Alan Jackson tribute whose music video depicts nothing I've ever seen nor done on 'the Hooch'. And while walking one of the trails, the strangest thing happened...
Coming at us down the trail at a pace somewhere between a brisk walk and labored jog was a very large black man with hands deep inside his puffy coat pockets. Behind him, shoeless and with labored breath was a portly white man, shouting "stop him! Stop him!"
I chose not to interfere.
Turns out the the portly white man was a peace officer. City of Roswell. For some unspecified reason he was angry with the man he was jogging after and consequently, angry with my wife and I for not trying to apprehend him.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Winners and Losers 2009
Welcome back to my 97 Part Year in Review! If you have missed the previous 18 parts, that is too bad for you. The following is Part 19, Winners and Losers of 2009. The winners are not quite as dramatic as the losers, so we'll start with the winners:
WINNERS
Josh Grobin. Man can this dude sing. Psych! Total loser.
Azalea, my newest niece born December 19, 2009. Well done Azalea, so happy you are here!
Lady Gaga. No, I'm serious. If you haven't seen the SNL performance by her, check it out now. It was amazing and comepletely changed my opinion of freak-show, 20-something, I-want-to-make-a-statement female vocalists. She is a freak-show but totally awesome.
Chef Kroll. Our dog, who went from squalid, outdoor fencepost living to luxury condominium accomodations because of those big ears and his ability to make my wife's heart melt.
Shannon. My wife, who without her, I don't know where I'd be.
LOSERS
Nancy Pelosi. I know I said we wouldn't discuss politics here but seriously, Nancy Pelosi.
Josh Groban.
Anyone with swine flu. That sucks.
Well that's it. It took extensive research and an exhaustive review process but I feel like we really narrowed down 2009's biggest winners and losers. Keep checking back for part 34 of my 163 Part 2009 Year in Review where we'll discuss exciting 2009 events like my really close parking spot at Kroger on a Sunday and selling an entertainment stand on Craig's List.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Year in Review Part 1
The following is Part 1 of my official 37 Part 2009 Year in Review. I originally attempted to re-post last year's Year in Review but discovered that the only thing that happened in 2008 and 2009 were changes to Facebook's privacy policy. If you are easily offended or like pulp in your orange juice, you may want to navigate away from this blog. I can suggest acceptable alternates, like Soupy Sammy's Sandwich Blog or Pulp up your Life, a guide to Judicious Juice in an Unfair World. But you'll find none of that hackery here. On this blog, not only do I make up words but my Year in Review will consist of things you may have heard little or nothing about. Most of it is about things that happened to me or near me so if you don't like me, I wouldn't necessarily leave because there may be some things in here that make you smile, if you happen to be the spiteful type. Anyway, I'm starting to ramble... so you've been warned, let's get to it.
Barack Obama was sworn is as America's first black president. "But Ben," you say, "I thought you said this wasn't supposed to be like all the other Year in Reviews out there?" You are correct, and although we begin with Barry, it's not the point. Sure, first black president, OMG he's so cool and collected, look at his wife's arms, blah blah blah. The coolest part of the inauguration is that there exists a 1400 megapixel photo of it. I had no idea. In 2008 I thought you were cool if you had more than 10 megapixels. That means that the guy who took this photo is 140 times cooler than what I thought was cool last year. Amazing.
I got married! Yes it was awesome, although has proceeded steadily downhill in the past couple months due to my circus addiction. I'd rather not talk about it. If you weren't there, the ceremony was amazing, ministered by good friend Dave. We had a fun party afterward and spent a week in the Caribbean where we ran out of money and were forced to tag sea turtles for a return ticket home. A word of caution about sea turtles, nah, you get the point.
The wife and I found a lonely dog that needed a home. He cannot hear a thing and has more frantic energy than the first seven rows of a Jonas Brothers concert. But we love Chef and he makes us laugh often. It is very interesting to watch Chef because he has some simple, yet tried and true philosophies on dealing with life. According to Chef, anything that he is unsure about must be peed on. Not necessarily immediately, maybe some snoutal investigation is in order but eventually, it must be peed on. I attempted to adopt this philosophy but the results were less than beneficial. Again, apologies to all of my neighbors.
This concludes Part 1 of my 42 Part Year in Review. Look forward to upcoming parts, not necessarily in order. In future parts we will discuss exciting 2009 events such as my Annual Homeowners Association Meeting, my trip to QuikTrip in March and being beaten by the weather in Denver for the second year in a row.
Barack Obama was sworn is as America's first black president. "But Ben," you say, "I thought you said this wasn't supposed to be like all the other Year in Reviews out there?" You are correct, and although we begin with Barry, it's not the point. Sure, first black president, OMG he's so cool and collected, look at his wife's arms, blah blah blah. The coolest part of the inauguration is that there exists a 1400 megapixel photo of it. I had no idea. In 2008 I thought you were cool if you had more than 10 megapixels. That means that the guy who took this photo is 140 times cooler than what I thought was cool last year. Amazing.
I got married! Yes it was awesome, although has proceeded steadily downhill in the past couple months due to my circus addiction. I'd rather not talk about it. If you weren't there, the ceremony was amazing, ministered by good friend Dave. We had a fun party afterward and spent a week in the Caribbean where we ran out of money and were forced to tag sea turtles for a return ticket home. A word of caution about sea turtles, nah, you get the point.
The wife and I found a lonely dog that needed a home. He cannot hear a thing and has more frantic energy than the first seven rows of a Jonas Brothers concert. But we love Chef and he makes us laugh often. It is very interesting to watch Chef because he has some simple, yet tried and true philosophies on dealing with life. According to Chef, anything that he is unsure about must be peed on. Not necessarily immediately, maybe some snoutal investigation is in order but eventually, it must be peed on. I attempted to adopt this philosophy but the results were less than beneficial. Again, apologies to all of my neighbors.
This concludes Part 1 of my 42 Part Year in Review. Look forward to upcoming parts, not necessarily in order. In future parts we will discuss exciting 2009 events such as my Annual Homeowners Association Meeting, my trip to QuikTrip in March and being beaten by the weather in Denver for the second year in a row.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
A message to you, and Soon-to-be
Oh snap. So long since I’ve posted even the slightest amount of verbiage for you to see. For this, I am not sorry. I do realize I have kept you in suspense, up long nights, perspiring in wretched anticipation of my next words, unable to think or concentrate, not sure whom to turn to. Oh you’ve tried other blogs, other raucous ramblings from mischievous miscreants who peruse and abuse the English language. But you returned on the nigh, faithfully checking daily and it is only now that you are rewarded. But what sweet relief! And although there exists no remorse from me to you, like a superfluous sack of studded secret-santa stockings, your loyalty ingratiates me.The question now becomes, where have I been? Well to answer this question, you must solve a series of riddles, each more challenging than the last. Actually, that is not true at all. There will be no riddles.
So really, I’ve been gallivanting all over the country, crisscrossing our nation’s scenic patchwork of cities in pursuit of some really good landings. I found one in Hastings, Nebraska last week but gave it up to a 4100 foot gem of an upslope in Douglas, Wyoming. Then there was the bouncer down the runway in Paducah, Kentucky but I wasn’t flying that one. Knoxville, Tennessee offered a real greaser and so did Lantana, Florida but the best was Tampa Bay. I think it’s because I was wearing my Tampa Bay Lightning hat, which, incidentally, has its own very exciting story.
Anyway, one of the highlights over the past couple of weeks was going to the University of Tennessee’s home football opener. There were 104,000 people there and 7 of them were not wearing orange. I think everyone should go see a game like that at least once. The feeling is electric when that place gets loud… it’s pretty wild.
Other big news is my upcoming marriage. It’s only 6 days away… wow. I’m getting to marry the woman of my dreams in front of 80 of my closest friends and family and then get to spend a week in the Virgin Islands. Please pray that no major hurricanes blow through the Leewards over the next couple of weeks. Thanks for your help.
Enjoy these kick ass photos. And you’re welcome.
Also, I don’t know where I got the word ‘nigh’ from but it sounded like it fit.
And Soon-to-be, you really are the best. Missin you tonight, the Gulf Coast just isn’t the same without you… 5 days to go, can’t wait!
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