2011 Year in Review

I don't remember a whole lot of what happened this year as I was whacked out of my mind on a combination of robitussin and canine flea repellent for a good 6 months. But here's my year in review of what I do remember.

Chockos
I lost the best pair of flip flops I've ever had. High arch support, terrific toe tie-down, and traction that could grip a slip and slide. They were truly amazing. If I wasn't required to get a second mortgage to buy a pair, I'd get another one.

Lots of Rabies.

Many ouf our friends had rabies this year. Cute, adorable, messy little rabies that although probably keep them up at night, bring lots of joy as well. Way to go on the rabies friends! Wait, I think I meant babies.

New Ad-(ventures)

Shannon and I are both in the process of launching new business ventures this year. Since my underwear fashion/apparel line was a giant flop last year, I've decided to move in a different direction.

Meeting the President

I met the president (of our homeowner's association). Her name is Holly and she is really great.

Well that's about all I remember from this year. If you saw me this year and have anything to add about what might or might not have happened to me, please feel free to make comments. Seriously folks, the only comments I get are from these idiots in Toronto who want me to buy Viagra from their online pharmacy. But at least they're reading the blog.

Wishing everyone a safe, happy and healthy 2012. If your plans involve having rabies this year, good luck and god bless!

What is The True Meaning of Christmas?

Nike Air Jordans.

That's right, when I think of what Christmas and the holiday season means to me, I think only of one man and that man's amazing shoes. How can you not love Air Jordans? And how can you not want to shove a firearm into someone else's face and claim their shiny new Air Jordans as your own? Or beat that person to a bloody pulp (careful to avoid blood splatter on the new kicks) and carefully remove Mr. Jordan's likeness from their feet?

This is why the holidays are so special, because we find exciting things that someone else has and use violence to plunder those goods. And why? Because the damn shoes cost $180!

If I'm going to spend $180 on a pair of shoes, I'll wait until Reebok gets its act together and reintroduces the Reebok Pump. Or maybe I'll wait until Keds comes out with some new Velcro sneakers for adults.

Tebow Time!

We are going to use this time to think about Tim Tebow. Just think about him for a while. Tim Tebow.

BREAKING NEWS!!

In a shocking turn of events that will likely cause political upheaval and major scandal within the GOP presidential race, it has been discovered by this blogger that Mitt Romney may not actually be who he says he is.

In fact, Romney may not even be from where he says he's from.

In the startling images shown here, one can clearly see that Romney is actually none other than Detective George Francisco, the street-wise alien cop with an enormous pangea head and a taste for sour milk. You may recall the near Alien invasion of Los Angeles in the late 80s and early 90s that saw the influx of a mass amount of sea-water fearing refugees from some distant planet.

Mitt Romney or... George Francisco? Shown here with Detective Sykes solving a crime in LA in 1990

As shocking as this may seem, there are some even suggesting that Romney/Sanfrancisco's past is mired in consistent scandal. Remember that the Newcomers men were the child-bearing species of their lot? Does Romney have a secret love-child born out of wedlock, being raised in Compton? A hidden family hiding in Slagtown? These are just a few of the questions that have arisen since this shocking revelation.

While Romney's people have been mum on the issue so far, Newt Gingrich offered up some harsh words for Romney saying, "I don't really like Newcomers." While Michelle Bachmann and Jon Huntsman remained quiet, Rick Perry was quoted as saying "Lay off the guy, I like that alien SOB."

It's not clear where this leaves Romney politically. Pundits are now suggesting he step out of the race as he is not even eligible to be President of the United States. One thing is for sure, the mystery surrounding these events may not even leave Los Angeles Detective George Francisco up to the task.

Test

Worst Movies I'll Never See

Wondering what movies I'm referencing? Well, that's what we call a teaser. A way to keep you reading all the way to the end of this post. I suppose you could just scroll down to the bottom and avoid the rest of the blog but I am cunning and now maybe I'll put it in the middle of the blog, or maybe I'll just tell you what they are right now. That way, all the suckers who tried to avoid the rest of the blog post by skipping to the bottom are searching in vain for my Official List of the Worst Movies I'll Never Watch at the bottom. So without further ado here goes, I will countdown the top 5.

5- Gigli. I think this had Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. I imagine this movie consists of them making out for 2 hours and Ben Affleck looking skyward with that pursed lip, pouty face thing he does.

4- Harry Potter and the Insert Something With Wizardical Connotation. Technically, my list should be about 82 movies long due to all the sequels but I've decided to lump all the Harry and his little spell-casting pal movies into number 4.

3- Beethoven's 5th. Remember this one? Giant crazy dog either does something crazy or cute. Probably both for about 90 minutes of wasted time.

2- Brady Bunch the Sequel. In the first one, they really nailed it. I was especially impressed with the family outing to Sears and their enlightening choreographed renditions of "It's a Sunshine Day" and "Keep on". But why mess with perfection?

1- Blue Crush 2. I think this one speaks for itself. I'm sure there's a plot in there somewhere.

Note* For all you steamed Harry Potter fans out there, get over it and go play some squibbage with Dumpledorf.

Now this part of the blog post is filler for the people that thought they could just jump to the end and get the good stuff. But I control what goes on in my blog. I did make up a new word in this blog post; wizardical. I think I will add it to the vocabulary.

Well, that's about it, I'm off to not go watch the aforementioned movies.

Summer 2011 in 50 Words or Less

Here's my official review of Summer 2011 in 50 words or less. It may actually be more than 50 words but if you combine certain words at the appropriate time and location, I'm sure you could come up with a number close to 50.

Killing the Television:

Instead of buying the new mammoth flat screen from Best Buy, we ditched our old one in favor of some new authors and board games. Turns out I'm a bit of a Monopoly phenom, dominoes is not just for old people and my wife hates Yahtzee. We used the money we saved on not buying the consumer protection plan to eat at Golden Corral 4 nights a week. I'm still convinced my gastro-intestinal problems are unrelated.

Broken Foot:

A wild afternoon on a wave runner at Lake Burton resulted in a stress fracture of my second metatarsal. What's a metatarsal? Not really sure, though my doctor swears it's located in my foot. Caution; if you're going to google this, be sure not to enter 'metart".

Dayton to San Diego in 3.6 Seconds

Well it took more like 2 days but I eventually landed an SR22 safely in San Diego after ferrying it from Dayton, Ohio. Awesome trip, except for the 50 knot headwinds over Arizona and the cab driver in Albuquerque who thought that texting was the safest way to drive.

I Lost my Flip Flops in Lagrange Bayou:

Well, there's not really much else to say about that. Except I really liked those flip flops.

Vacation to Fort Walton Beach:

This was amazing. A week on the beach with my family was awesome. There was a television where we stayed but I only used it to watch football. And All my Children. Everyday. Maybe some Dancing with the Stars and X-Factor. And Cheaters, and Ricki Lake re-runs. In fact, all I did was watch TV. Wish I would have spent some time with my parents...:( However, I do love Simon's new look.

New Business:

Started a new business this summer. If you're looking for aviation related applications for the iPhone and iPad, search the iTunes store for ProPilot. We've got about 20 applications up so far. Many more in the works. Note: If you're an apple programmer and charge less than $100 an hour (preferably $12 an hour) please contact me.

So that's about it. There were many more exciting things that probably happened, or maybe they didn't but use your imagination to fill in the blanks. I'm now looking forward to fall, or as we call it around here, "complaining season". Be on the lookout for my upcoming Fall Blog Special: "Leaves, so Many Colors!" and "Autumn, Why the N?"

The Royal Wedding and my Giant Television

There exist a select few milestones that occur within one's lifetime that can truly be called miraculous. A first kiss, marriage, a child being born, a royal wedding...

I found myself all week pondering important questions that seemed to have no answers. What would Kate Middleton's dress look like? Will it rain on her and William's special day? What elegant dishes will comprise their royal feast? And while the questions linger and the answers seem just out of reach, the day approaches quickly.

In part for preparation and in part for honor, I have excused myself from work related duties this week. The wedding festivities will began at 4am Eastern standard time on Friday April, 29th. I have 4 alarms set already but am doubting if I will even be able to sleep the night before. Although very much excited, I do worry about ceremony blunders, maybe a Prince William wardrobe malfunction of some sort and I have already begun to see a dramatic upheaval within my sleep schedule.

I have rented a tuxedo. The shop called it the "Regal" tuxedo package and I asked if it was appropriate to wear to the royal wedding. I am not sure the clerk knew to what I was referring.

So there you have it, my 88 inch HD LCD plasma tube projection television will be on at precisely 4am this Friday morning, ready to bear witness to a moment we have all been waiting for. And yes, I promised myself I wouldn't cry...

Please stop saying "I guess we're playing phone tag"

So far, the no television experiment is going extremely well. The first couple of days were cake but day three and four felt like I was mourning the loss of a trusted friend. After a week, things smoothed out and we have noticed that we are engaging in some different activities where we used to plop in front of the couch (slowly nibbling away at our allotted 11 years in front of the tube). Now this isn't to say we've given up on television shows. There is some great entertainment and we can still watch some of our favorites like Magnum P.I., Mr. Belvedere and MTV's 90s blockbuster Remote Control on Shannon's MacBook Pro.

Speaking of MacBook Pro, this thing is sweet and definitely deserving of all those capital letters. It has a solid state drive. What does that mean? I have no idea. But try telling people that you have a computer with a solid state drive and watch their eyes turn green with envy and their expressions betray a strange, yet slightly comforting combination of contempt and respect.

So we're back to the pollen count again. I'm sure it will hit a million this year. If you're wondering about pollen counts, and I mean really wondering, please reference this post from last year.

When leaving a voicemail message for someone, please stop using the phrase "I guess we're playing phone tag.", or any derivative thereof. Examples may also include but are not limited to; "Tag, you're it." and "Ramone, the DNA test says it's your baby!" It had a good run and I'm sure the first time you heard it, it sounded witty and clever and was an easy way of explaining to someone why you weren't taking their calls and returned their calls when you knew they were busy. It is however, time to stop. Please support me in my efforts to rid the world of this obnoxious phrase. You can donate by emailing me and I will provide you with my home address so you can send me money. Also, please don't say "Spring has sprung." That's just stupid.

I've attached a video of some F-16s that rolled into Savannah this afternoon. We were outbound on the taxi way and the flight of four did an overhead break down to runway 10. Impressive.

The Experiment

49 Hours ago I read an article detailing a study that claimed that the average male in America spends 11 years of his life watching television. Eleven years!

Early this morning, while still half asleep, Shannon came to me and said, "What do you think about getting rid of the television?" Two words, "do it". An hour later, our living room was TV free.

So far, I'm looking at it like an experiment. I'm certain there will be withdrawals and something must be done in the corner where the TV used to sit. We were not nearly cool enough to have a giant flat screen mounted high on the wall to impress with 1080p or i or whatever the hell those HD settings are.

Usually I post ridiculous things on this blog. I got rid of my TV. How's that for ridiculous?

Ice, it's so slippery!

The other day I dropped iPhone 4 into a glass of milk because I wanted it to know what it felt like to be dropped. As in the 22 dropped calls I experience daily. My actions had immediate consequences. I will describe to you, in detail what happens when iPhone becomes submerged in liquid.

Zero hour, iPhone accidentally and unknowingly placed in liquid.

T+38 seconds- Home screen illuminates, error realized, iPhone removed from liquid.

T+42 seconds- No signal, slight hazing of screen. Home button unresponsive.

T+59 seconds- iPhone indicates no sim card.

T+1m32sec- iPhone displays error message explaining that "this accessory is incompatible"

T+3m40sec- iPhone has lost all button functionality

T+5m01sec- Screen turns on and off intermittently

T+12m42sec- Camera flash is on but varying in intensity

T+13m13sec- iPhone in death throes. This is likely the end.

T+57m12sec- Camera flash continues on, iPhone's last gasp.

At this point, I placed iPhone in a sealed container of rice. I thought at the time that I had either placed iPhone in its final resting place or had started a process that would lead to its resurrection. Time stood still as I said goodbye and prayed for divinity.

Three days later, my iPhone had been resurrected. Unlike Jesus, who likely immediately enjoyed the fruits of the kingdom of heaven, iPhone has had some residual effects of its swim. Initially the battery was discharging at a very high rate and the buttons didn't work all the time. However, after a few more days, normal battery life returned. The only issue that continues is some light shading (I will call it scarring) and a couple of lighter streaks on the screen. But it is back and along with it, my daily allotment of dropped calls. Will iPhone never learn?

The Great Atlanta Ice and Snow Storm of 2011

Dearest Friends and Family,

If you are reading this, it is because Atlanta's great Snow and Ice storm of 2011 has taken me. I fought courageously and with valor but in the end, Mother Nature proved too great a foe. So that others may witness the harsh reality that swept over my life like the cold front that took it, I will share with you my chronicles of the end.
-written Monday, January 10, 2011, 11:01pm

Saturday, January 8, 2010
1:42pm
What a glorious day! I am in such high spirits today. I just sent in my last mortgage payment on my home and then found $20 in my blue jeans! The sun is shining and I haven't a care in the world. I think I'll go to work and smile at people all day.

3:13pm
Just spent our life savings on a wonderful retirement property. It's a bit of a fixer-upper but I hope Shannon loves it, it's a surprise!

4:10pm
I have enjoyed smiling at people all day today. It makes me feel very good. A little boy came into work and said "I like airplanes!" and then I said, "I like airplanes too little boy!" I gave him a piece of candy and he went on his way.

5:53pm
Can this day get any better? I don't think so!

5:54pm
Just listened to Kirk Mellish's 5 day forecast. Looks like some snow for us on Sunday night. There is some potential for ice as well but I'm not terribly concerned. It would take a lot to ruin this weekend!

7:01pm
Back home with Shannon. Discussing our retirement plans; there is some tension. Shannon would like to retire near a beach somewhere. She is not happy with my decision to spend our savings on an abandoned meat packing plant on the outskirts of Pittsburgh. Should have thought this through a little more.

7:40pm
Shannon has calmed down some but there is still tension.

9:51pm
Just finished a solid 2-hour session on YouTube. Man, people and animals are so crazy and then they videotape it!

11:32pm
Just finished playing Frogger on my phone. I'm limited to 30 minutes so as to avoid any more carpal tunnell flare ups. Kirk Mellish just updated his forecast for Sunday, looks like a fair amount of snow and ice. I think Kirk Mellish is amazing! Time for bed...

Sunday, January 9, 2011
8:28am
Woke up with a strange feeling today. Can't seem to shake it. I think I'll hit the gym for some cardio.

8:39am
Great cardio workout. Really getting toned. People are noticing how buff I am and saying stuff about it. Not necessarily to me, but I can tell they're totally impressed.

10:10am
Work is pretty slow today so I'm spending a couple of hours updating my Facebook profile and Twitter accounts. I love people knowing what I"m doing at the exact moment I am doing it! I feel bad for my parents who didn't get to tell all of their friends what they were doing precisely when they were doing it. I suppose they used the phone a lot in their day. A typical call would probably go something like this "Greetings Monroe, a good day to you sir!" "Ah yes Filmore, a good day indeed! For what purpose do you ring?" "Well Monroe, I just finished reading the funnies in the daily. Quite uproarious!" "Well done Filmore, if I had a way to let the world know I liked your statement, I most surely would! Good day." "Good day to you as well Monroe."

12:00pm
The news is beginning to talk of a major snowstorm in Atlanta. I am not really concerned because if I get snowed in I can play guitar. hero.

2:52pm
The sky looks ominous. I am slightly fearful. No, just hungry. I'll stop at Kroger on my way home.

5:29pm
Oh my, there are a lot of people at Kroger. The security guy is mad-dogging me, I could take him because I am so buff now but that is not my primary mission. I must procure some basic readiness supplies in case Shannon and I are stuck for days. Or worse...

5:48pm
Storm Preparedness Kit:
2 Lemons
Lime juice
Garlic
Tums
Ballads of the 80s CD
Best of the 80s Rock CD
Post It Notes
Total: $29.97. But you can't put a price on preparedness.

7:50
Shannon is at work but I'm sure she'll be glad I got some emergency supplies to get us through.

8:50pm
The snow has started. It was light at first but has progressed quickly to heavy, driving snow showers. The radar paints an ominous picture. I am having scenes from The Day After Tomorrow pop into my head and the radar looks like it did in that movie. Once Shannon is home I will board all the windows and doors in anticipation of the sub-freezing air that could kill us in seconds.

10:39pm
Shannon is home now. I suggested we let the dogs go free as we may not be able to sustain them through this event. She just looked at me sort of funny. I know now what she was getting at. We need to keep them. I'd rather not think it, but we need to keep them. Just in case.

11:54pm
I have done my best to seal off our home from the elements. Shannon told me to calm down but in the movies, the one that runs around like a fool usually ends up being the smart one.

Monday January 10, 2011
1:12am
I can't sleep. The wind howls through the trees and screams past the house as if to taunt me, the snow swirls and dances against the windows, the cold... Oh how bitter cold it must be outside. I pray that the prophecy is wrong and that this is not the beginning of the end.

3:42am
Shannon is upset with me because I won't sleep. What I won't tell her is that what she is really upset with is staring her own mortality in the face.

4:50am
I have lost the will to tweet. I know that my 9 Twitter followers are probably looking for some hope, some inspiration, a flicker of light amidst nature's awesome display of winter brutality. But I have nothing, I cannot summon the will. I feel exhaustion, and with it, hopefully rest.

11:31am
I awoke this morning feeling a small sense of hope but was saddened at the site in the kitchen. Shannon is making eggs. I don't blame her for not being able to accept that our world is falling apart, that what we knew yesterday would be but a memory today and forgotten tomorrow. For her, I guess it's important to go on like nothing is happening, the shock of it all is too burdensome for most to accept. So I'll play along and have some eggs like we did yesterday.

11:48am
Shannon said I'm acting strangely and that we might be snowed in for a couple of days. Oh to have her naivete, I could embrace her sweet optimism and indulge the fantasy! But someone needs to think of tomorrow.

3:32pm
I pulled out my short wave radio, there must be survivors out there, others with whom we can rebuild society.

4:00pm
No luck on the short wave. Shannon says the batteries are dead. She seems to have an excuse for everything. I am waiting for her world to fall apart.

6:02pm
Supplies are running low. We're down to some rice cakes and soy sauce. And whatever is left in the fridge and pantry.

7:09pm
Shannon said it would be good for me to go for a walk. I agree, I'll take the shotgun and the dogs for protection. I'm not sure what a total societal breakdown looks like, but I'm not about to take any chances.

7:23pm
Alas! I found a survivor but the fear has got them. One look at me and they went sprinting. The roads are impassable, the sky dark and abandoned cars litter the streets. This is not a world I ever imagined I'd wake up to.

7:39pm
A car approaches slowly, the tires crunching on ice. A polic cruiser! From the last world! He must be in search of survivors. But we can't afford another and I told Shannon to not let him in. She told me he's here about the shotgun. And then it made sense. Weapons are a valuable commodity in the new world and he won't be taking mine.

8:22pm
I shouldn't have left Shannon alone with the old-world cop but I needed to protect the shotgun.

8:30pm
Shannon is upset that I left and said that the Police want to talk to me. It's time to have a talk with her.

9:03pm
That did not go well. I am feeling weak but need to conserve the rice cakes. I'll have some soy sauce and try to sleep.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011
3:22am
Our supplies are drained and I am feeling weak. I have tried to stay so strong but the new world is not a place for the weak, or the weary. I was softened by the old world and I am angry at its destruction. If I had strength to scream, I would raise a fist and cry out but worry it would only be a whimper. And so it goes, the end is near now, I feel it approaching. I wish I could have been stronger, I wish I hadn't bought that meat packing plant outside of, what was the old world name? Ahh, Pitts-burgh. I remember now, it was such a long time ago. I wonder what they will call it in the new world...