World Countdown to Tim Tebow Time Clock

Denver- In a move that echoes the creation of the World Countdown to Doomsday Clock in 1947, researches and scientists in Denver have unveiled the World Countdown to Tim Tebow Time Clock. Like the doomsday clock which visualizes how theoretically close the world is to total nuclear annihilation, the World Countdown to Tim Tebow Time Clock visually represents how far we are away from Tebow Time.

Currently, the clock is stuck at three minutes to midnight. It is likely that the clock will have no forward movement as Tim Tebow was eliminated from this year's playoff picture, having suffered a lopsided loss to the New England Patriots. However, the chance of some sort of Tebow mania (speculation around a girlfriend perhaps) could cause the clock to inch forward during the NFL off-season.

According to researchers, and not commonly known, the closest the world has ever come to Tebow Time was one minute to Tebow Time. This occurred immediately following the Broncos stunning upset of the Pittsburgh Steelers on January 8th .

Asked what the ramifications would be of the Tebow clock striking midnight, researchers are in much disagreement. Said Mike, a leading member of the clock creation team, "It's just too frightening a scenario to think about. I started becoming concerned when the Tebow clock passed Honey Badger Time." Another scientist involved with the team says that a midnight strike on the Tebow clock wouldn't be that bad, adding, "especially if I have the guy on my fantasy team".

Denver Broncos head coach and Football Operations President John Elway both hailed the creation of the clock. Elway had this to say, "We like to think, metaphorically of course, that it's always Tebow Time around here. Except when he throws interceptions. Then it's ass-chewing time. But we don't need a clock for that."

And as the world inches closer to the inevitable midnight on the Tebow Clock with each passing second, sports fans and Christians alike find themselves pondering age-old questions like "What will Tebow's next Tweet be?" "Did I really think he had a chance of beating Tom?" "What's that smell?" And "Tebow Time anybody?"

2011 Year in Review

I don't remember a whole lot of what happened this year as I was whacked out of my mind on a combination of robitussin and canine flea repellent for a good 6 months. But here's my year in review of what I do remember.

Chockos
I lost the best pair of flip flops I've ever had. High arch support, terrific toe tie-down, and traction that could grip a slip and slide. They were truly amazing. If I wasn't required to get a second mortgage to buy a pair, I'd get another one.

Lots of Rabies.

Many ouf our friends had rabies this year. Cute, adorable, messy little rabies that although probably keep them up at night, bring lots of joy as well. Way to go on the rabies friends! Wait, I think I meant babies.

New Ad-(ventures)

Shannon and I are both in the process of launching new business ventures this year. Since my underwear fashion/apparel line was a giant flop last year, I've decided to move in a different direction.

Meeting the President

I met the president (of our homeowner's association). Her name is Holly and she is really great.

Well that's about all I remember from this year. If you saw me this year and have anything to add about what might or might not have happened to me, please feel free to make comments. Seriously folks, the only comments I get are from these idiots in Toronto who want me to buy Viagra from their online pharmacy. But at least they're reading the blog.

Wishing everyone a safe, happy and healthy 2012. If your plans involve having rabies this year, good luck and god bless!

What is The True Meaning of Christmas?

Nike Air Jordans.

That's right, when I think of what Christmas and the holiday season means to me, I think only of one man and that man's amazing shoes. How can you not love Air Jordans? And how can you not want to shove a firearm into someone else's face and claim their shiny new Air Jordans as your own? Or beat that person to a bloody pulp (careful to avoid blood splatter on the new kicks) and carefully remove Mr. Jordan's likeness from their feet?

This is why the holidays are so special, because we find exciting things that someone else has and use violence to plunder those goods. And why? Because the damn shoes cost $180!

If I'm going to spend $180 on a pair of shoes, I'll wait until Reebok gets its act together and reintroduces the Reebok Pump. Or maybe I'll wait until Keds comes out with some new Velcro sneakers for adults.

Tebow Time!

We are going to use this time to think about Tim Tebow. Just think about him for a while. Tim Tebow.

BREAKING NEWS!!

In a shocking turn of events that will likely cause political upheaval and major scandal within the GOP presidential race, it has been discovered by this blogger that Mitt Romney may not actually be who he says he is.

In fact, Romney may not even be from where he says he's from.

In the startling images shown here, one can clearly see that Romney is actually none other than Detective George Francisco, the street-wise alien cop with an enormous pangea head and a taste for sour milk. You may recall the near Alien invasion of Los Angeles in the late 80s and early 90s that saw the influx of a mass amount of sea-water fearing refugees from some distant planet.

Mitt Romney or... George Francisco? Shown here with Detective Sykes solving a crime in LA in 1990

As shocking as this may seem, there are some even suggesting that Romney/Sanfrancisco's past is mired in consistent scandal. Remember that the Newcomers men were the child-bearing species of their lot? Does Romney have a secret love-child born out of wedlock, being raised in Compton? A hidden family hiding in Slagtown? These are just a few of the questions that have arisen since this shocking revelation.

While Romney's people have been mum on the issue so far, Newt Gingrich offered up some harsh words for Romney saying, "I don't really like Newcomers." While Michelle Bachmann and Jon Huntsman remained quiet, Rick Perry was quoted as saying "Lay off the guy, I like that alien SOB."

It's not clear where this leaves Romney politically. Pundits are now suggesting he step out of the race as he is not even eligible to be President of the United States. One thing is for sure, the mystery surrounding these events may not even leave Los Angeles Detective George Francisco up to the task.

Test

Worst Movies I'll Never See

Wondering what movies I'm referencing? Well, that's what we call a teaser. A way to keep you reading all the way to the end of this post. I suppose you could just scroll down to the bottom and avoid the rest of the blog but I am cunning and now maybe I'll put it in the middle of the blog, or maybe I'll just tell you what they are right now. That way, all the suckers who tried to avoid the rest of the blog post by skipping to the bottom are searching in vain for my Official List of the Worst Movies I'll Never Watch at the bottom. So without further ado here goes, I will countdown the top 5.

5- Gigli. I think this had Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. I imagine this movie consists of them making out for 2 hours and Ben Affleck looking skyward with that pursed lip, pouty face thing he does.

4- Harry Potter and the Insert Something With Wizardical Connotation. Technically, my list should be about 82 movies long due to all the sequels but I've decided to lump all the Harry and his little spell-casting pal movies into number 4.

3- Beethoven's 5th. Remember this one? Giant crazy dog either does something crazy or cute. Probably both for about 90 minutes of wasted time.

2- Brady Bunch the Sequel. In the first one, they really nailed it. I was especially impressed with the family outing to Sears and their enlightening choreographed renditions of "It's a Sunshine Day" and "Keep on". But why mess with perfection?

1- Blue Crush 2. I think this one speaks for itself. I'm sure there's a plot in there somewhere.

Note* For all you steamed Harry Potter fans out there, get over it and go play some squibbage with Dumpledorf.

Now this part of the blog post is filler for the people that thought they could just jump to the end and get the good stuff. But I control what goes on in my blog. I did make up a new word in this blog post; wizardical. I think I will add it to the vocabulary.

Well, that's about it, I'm off to not go watch the aforementioned movies.